Monkey Review: Sunshine (2007)

"What bad decisions can we make? Let's throw it around the room."

After having look forward to this for months, and even throwing up a “Sunshine is Gonna Kick Ass” post here on the Monkey, I have three words I must get out: WHAT…THE…FU*K?!?!?!?!



Sunshine

Monkey Rating: 0 Opposable Thumbs Up (out of 5)

WARNING: Spoilers ahead.

Will someone please bring back Danny Boyle? The Director who brought us Trainspotting and 28 Days Later? He’s apparently gone missing, if Sunshine is any indication.

After having look forward to this for months, and even throwing up a “Sunshine is Gonna Kick Ass” post here on the Monkey, I have three words I must get out: WHAT…THE…FU*K?!?!?!?!

So much promise. This movie had SO much promise. A fresh scientific idea, a strong director, a good lead actor. What could go wrong?

Uh, how about everything? If there's a recipe for ruining a great sci-fi premise, this film followed it – and then some.

The story begins with a concise plot summary narrated by Capa (Cillian Murphy), the physicist for the ship Icarus II. The vessel’s mission: to deliver and detonate a large bomb into the sun, thereby somehow kick-starting the big lug so we can all live happily ever after. Believe it or not, as silly as that premise sounds, it’s not the movie’s major flaw. Oh no, there are plenty of those.

We're then introduced to the crew: Searle, the ship’s psych officer who’s “crazier than the crew,” Corazon, the biologist who’s running the plant/oxygen garden on board, Kaneda, the Captain, Cassie, the pilot, Trey, the navigator, Mace, the engineer, and Harvey, the communications officer.

It’s a wholly unbelievable cast of unqualified scientists – a fact that gnaws at you throughout the film. Here’s a question: if this mission is the last hope for saving mankind, why would you send only one scientist from each field of study? Did the folks who planned this mission ever consider that if the communications officer kicks the bucket, the crew won’t be able to talk to anyone? Can anyone run the oxygen garden if Corazon chokes on a space pretzel? The worst example: Capa, the physicist, is the only crewmember who can detonate the bomb. That’s ridiculous. Hell, even Noah took two of each animal on the Ark.

I have an idea…how about a crew of about 70, with entire teams to manage each scientific discipline? Not enough space onboard? Then BUILD A BIGGER FREAKING SHIP. You’re not collecting rocks on the moon…you’re SAVING MANKIND. You’re going to want to do this right, aren’t you? Spend the entire space program’s budget and lay everyone off. They’ll be dead anyway if you don’t.

Also, it might help to send a crew that has a little more experience than the one in Sunshine. The average age of the team is about 30. How about some old timers who have done this before? Think they might come in handy? It seems like they took the cast from Big Brother XXIV and threw them onto the ship.

I’m sure youth was a factor when the crew is faced with a major decision about halfway through the film. You see, Icarus II is so named because there was once an Icarus I. As they approach the sun, they discover the original Icarus spacecraft, stuck in the Sun’s orbit for seven years, obviously having failed in its mission to jump start the sun.

This is the decision the crew must make: do we veer slightly off course to rendezvous with Icarus I, to see if anyone’s alive? Also, what if its bomb is still intact? Wouldn’t that give us another shot at re-igniting the sun if our payload failed?

At this point, a newborn baby in the front row, a senior citizen struggling to chew a kernel of popcorn, and mime right next to me all said in unison: “No way, dumbasses!”

I agreed. If I could have jumped into the movie and smacked every crew member I would have done it. Remember, since this team is saving the world, they must be the world’s very best scientists, right? Would such a collection of brilliant minds even consider this? Of course not.

But guess what happens?? These idiots actually choose to rendezvous with Icarus I. Why? Because “two bombs are better than one,” a theory proffered by the ship’s Psych officer. Are you fu*king kidding me? I’m a blogger, not a scientist, but even I know that you encounter tremendous risk to the original mission if you veer even slightly off course when you’re headed toward the sun. These are the world’s best scientists?

Sure enough, Trey, the navigator, changes the ship’s course – but forgets to recalibrate the heat shields (so important when flying toward the sun). Forgetting the fact that Trey might have cheated on his Icarus entrance exams, it might have helped if he had some help during this exercise. Instead, he performs the task all by himself, in the middle of the night, while everyone is asleep. I ask again, these are the world’s best scientists??

If all of this isn’t enough to make you ask for a refund, don’t worry – the worst is yet to come.

With limited oxygen supply due to a fire in the oxygen garden (don’t ask), the crew calculates that there is enough air for four people to complete the mission. But the computer, a cheap HAL 9000 knockoff, asserts that there are five people onboard. Confused, Capa heads to the sun observation deck, where he finds…a zombie! At least that’s what I think it was.

It was either a zombie or the still alive Captain from the original Icarus I, who somehow survived for seven years on limited food and water. Oh, and he has no skin. I guess the sun burned it off. In any event, it was hard to tell because any time the creature was onscreen, he was blurry and the camera started to shake. I’m guessing the F/X budget ran out right about then.

From there, the movie descends into a slasher film, the zombie chasing the remaining crew around the ship. I’m not joking. Even as I type this, I can’t believe it. But hey, at least you can’t blame the bad scientists for this development. How could they have been prepared for a skinless zombie trying to kill them? They don’t have that module in the flight simulator.

No, the person you can blame is Danny Boyle, for taking this premise and blowing it to hell. Maybe he got his movies confused. Maybe he was in the middle of this sci-fi epic and had a 28 Days Later flashback, so he accidentally threw a zombie in there. If that was the case, maybe he should have thrown in some Trainspotting as well. This mission’s already got a group of bad scientists and a zombie – how can a heroin-addicted Scottish stowaway do any harm?

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A better look at the Joker

here you go- a good look at the Joker. So far I'm not that excited.

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the new Hulk- First Look!

the new Hulk (to be played by Ed Norton) has finally been revealed...

more info after the jump...






Click here for more info from First Showing.

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Elizabethtown- a Netflix Review

Elizabethtown features two actors I don't like, got a 45 on Metacritic, and suffered review quotes such as
"It's obvious now that the cinematic junk routinely released every Friday can be safely categorized as a mere failure. But this alleged comedy is a whole other species entirely. This is a bona fide, absolute, unmitigated fiasco. "

So why did I like it so much?

Netflix queue: 31 (out of 200)



I really don't get it. Orlando Bloom has made his career playing medieval fantasy roles, and has pretty much failed at anything else. Kirsten Dunst, well, I couldn't stand her back in Interview with the Vampire, and I certainly haven't grown to appreciate her more now. Frankly, I don't understand at all how she lands these romantic lead roles. I can't get past believing that someone would actually date that chick.

Reviewers generally hated this flick by Cameron Crowe (Fast Times, Almost Famous, Say Anything, and the one with the short scientologist that everyone hates). So I'm struggling to figure out why I enjoyed it.

Am I getting soft? Considering that my next post is going to be a double-barreled assault on both the brilliant mistake of Sunshine and the unmitigated disaster of Die Another Day, I don't think my standards have dropped.

What else could it be?
Honestly, I think the divergence here is that Elizabethtown is a wandering meditation- there are enough subplots and tangents for at least 3 movies here. Also, the movie has multiple false endings. Just when you think the story is wrapping up, it turns down another road and starts a new adventure. I can see how many people who aren't in the right mood could be frustrated.

So what is the right mood? Road Trip mentality. Seriously. To enjoy this movie one needs to be in the frame of mind like when you are on a long drive, and know there really isn't much you can do but enjoy the drive and whatever turns up around the corner. The radio picks up whatever station it can, and you are cool with that. This analogy is less of a stretch than you would think, because the movie actually features a very long road trip, complete with scenic stops and road music. But even the rest of the movie works like a road trip- the story starts in one place and continuously meanders into totally new territory. If you aren't the type that needs resolution to every plot point, you might enjoy this.

And if there is one thing Cameron Crowe is good at, it's finding great music for his movies. This one is no different- even if you hate this movie, you can't help but love the soundtrack.

Elizabethtown is a good date movie. It touches on warm subjects such as love, family, and keeping the world in perspective, but that's all largely superficial. In the end, it's like taking a short tour through several stories with some great tunes coming through the radio. Just kick back, get comfortable, and enjoy the trip.

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Netflix Review: Breach (2007)

"What are you doing in this movie with me?"

Is this the way you would use Chris Cooper? They might as well have cast him in Broken Arrow 2.

Breach

Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 76, just ahead of Saw II

Imagine you’re a producer and that you have been given the green light to make a movie. It’s a movie about disgraced CIA spy Robert Hanssen. You’re able to get Academy Award caliber actors Chris Cooper and Laura Linney to star.

Sounds like a pretty good deal, huh? A naturally riveting story, anchored by two great actors. How could you possibly screw this up? Well, casting Ryan Phillippe is a good start. I don’t have anything against the guy, it’s just that he’s not a very good actor. I don’t know how he’s managed to be in some pretty strong films: Flags of Our Fathers, Gosford Park and Crash. He must have one hell of an agent.

But Breach, while a disappointment, certainly doesn’t suffer from poor acting on the whole. Cooper, as Hanssen, is compelling as the conflicted spy, and Linney, who continues to be underrated, turns in a strong performance as callous agent Kate Burroughs. But here’s where Phillippe, as fledgling agent Eric O’Neill, sticks out - and not in a good way. It’s clear that alongside these two heavyweights, Phillippe is in over his head. He thinks he’s in a spy thriller; Cooper and Linney think they’re in a character study.

To give you an idea of the uneven playing field evident here, this would be like…well, like casting Ryan Phillippe opposite two Oscar-worthy actors.

But you can’t lay the blame for this underachievement entirely at Phillippe’s feet. In fact, you can’t even blame him for his character choices in playing O’Neill. Why? Because Director Billy Ray, along with writers Adam Mazer and William Rotko, turn this into a clichéd spy thriller. So it’s not as if Phillippe’s acting is even out of context here.

O’Neill, a new agent, is sent to work alongside Hanssen by Burroughs. Very quickly, the kid discovers that he’s not just working alongside Hanssen – he’s there to track him and gather information because Hanssen is thought to be selling secrets to national enemies.

Why, when building a case against a dangerous traitor, would they send a clueless new agent to gather the evidence? Good question. They try to explain it away in the movie, but it doesn’t quite hold water.

What follows isn’t the character chess match we should be seeing, but a series of trite spy scenes, complete with O’Neill sneaking around Hanssen’s office looking through his bags and computer data, etc., against the backdrop of a canned, faux-suspenseful spy score, while Hanssen is just down the hall but on his way back. Do you think O’Neill will get out of his office in time?? Hanssen, by the way, is supposed to never miss a detail about anything.

Is this the way you would use Chris Cooper? They might as well have cast him in Broken Arrow 2. The thing is, Ray actually begins to scratch the surface for what this whole complicated internal web means to the individual characters. Linney’s Burroughs is quite hardened from the strain of internal surveillance. O’Neill is just getting his first taste of such strain – and isn’t sure if he’s cut out for it. Hanssen is on an entirely different level of strain. This, along with the base story, presents more than enough material to build an intelligent, original film. It just doesn’t happen.

Let me be clear: Breach isn’t a bad movie. It’s just an underachievement when you consider the talent assembled and the material featured. This is one of the biggest spy scandals in U.S. history, along with a very talented pair of actors.

How could you screw this up again?

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Monkey Review: Knocked Up

Phew! Thank God She's Not Ugly!

If you're expecting an uproarious laugh fest, this really isn't your movie. But if you want to see a warm, genuine and pretty funny look at how two young people would react to a very difficult situation, then Knocked Up fits the bill.


Knocked Up

Monkey Rating: 3 Opposable Thumbs Up (out of 5)

I always think it's great when a comedy relates to real issues and anxieties that moviegoers actually deal with in their lives. Real problems form a much stronger comedic foundation than fabricated issues; actions and reactions mean more because of the context.

That's what I like about Knocked Up, the most recent effort from Director Judd Apatow. If that name sounds familiar, it's because he was also behind the camera for 40 Year Old Virgin, another film that, although the notion of such an old virgin is a stretch, his fears rang quite true. Contrast that with movies like "Click" or "Christmas with the Kranks," which, because they're rooted in completely unbelievable premises, seem to ring hollow (of course, the overacting and terrible dialogue don't help).

Knocked Up tells the story of Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) and Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl), a couple of happy go lucky people who get drunk and have a one night stand which results in, you guessed it, Alison getting pregnant.

What ensues is not what you'd think. It would have been easy to turn this into a farce where Ben tries to get Alison to abort, or where Alison tries to manipulate Ben. But Apatow has drawn up real characters here who decide to take on the responsibility of having the baby.

The problem? Ben and Allison don't even know each other. So now their struggle is two-fold: deal with the impending birth of their child and try to establish a relationship at the same time. Though it's never happened to me personally, this strikes me as something to which a lot of people can relate.

The way Ben and Allison react to their situation seems entirely plausible. They're scared, confused and totally on their own, so you'd expect their emotions to get the best of them, which they do in a naturally funny way.

The supporting cast is also solid, anchored by the underrated Paul Rudd and a great Leslie Mann as Alison's sister and brother-in-law, respectively.

Still, the movie is not without its flaws, beginning with the fact that, while it's very believable and generally funny, there aren't ENOUGH laughs to really call this a great comedy. The gaps between laughter-inducing scenes are simply too long. I think it would have been possible to insert some more funny without compromising the organic integrity of the plot.

I've been known to nitpick some movies, but I can't let this one go: it helps that Alison is Katherine Heigl. Ben's decision to keep the baby is certainly made easier by the fact that Alison is a 5'10", blonde, busty bombshell. Ladies, you can deride men all you want for placing too much emphasis on a woman's appearance, but hey, it's important to us; we're hardwired that way. As long as the woman is not a complete psycho, it's hard to turn away someone who looks like Alison.

It's no different than a woman who wants a financially successful man. Do you think Julia Roberts would have run off with Richard Gere in Pretty Woman if he was a garbage man? No, we have to be realistic on this one. Think of it another way: if Ben had impregnated Ugly Betty, would he be jumping into parenthood with both feet? Unlikely.

So if you're expecting an uproarious laugh fest, this really isn't your movie. But if you want to see a warm, genuine and pretty funny look at how two young people would react to a very difficult situation, it's hard to think of a recent movie that fits the description more than Knocked Up.

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Monkey Review: The Transformers

There's More Where This Came From...

On the surface, it’s easy to see Michael Bay’s name attached to the Transformers and immediately dismiss it. Still, I think that most viewers should enjoy this one.



The Transformers

Monkey Rating: 4 Opposable Thumbs Up (out of 5)

On the surface, it’s easy to see Michael Bay’s name attached to the Transformers and immediately dismiss it. Why? Just have a look at his resume: Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys, Armageddon…need I continue? So there’s no excuse for going in with high expectations. That would be like expecting Mel Gibson to enjoy himself at a bar mitzvah.

To be fair, Jerry Bruckheimer was involved in most of those projects, so while the awful dialogue and silly plots lay mostly at the feet of Bay, at least the unnecessary explosions could be partially blamed on the pyromaniac Bruckheimer.

There is another factor to which I must confess here: I happen to be a fan of the Transformers. I enjoyed the cartoon as a kid. So let’s just call these two major factors a wash and get on with the review, OK?

The first thing you notice as you watch this film is how (surprisingly) funny it is. The writers, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, do a fine job of squeezing laughter out of some believably awkward situations. So if you’re coming for an action movie with terrible dialogue you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

We know, however, why anyone would be coming to watch this film: robots – and there are plenty of them. The machines pop off the screen through seamless special effects, and for the most part seem to retain their scale (their size in relation to other objects). The special effects team truly deserves accolades for their incredible attention to detail, which is quite obvious as you look the robots up and down.

Shia Labeouf plays Sam Witwicky, whose grandfather discovered a “large snowman” in the mid-19th century. Sam, in possession of his grandpa’s artifacts that contain information critical to the location of a cube of energy coveted by the robots, is sought by both the Decepticons (the evil robots) and the Autobots (good robots).

The Autobots reach him first, when Sam’s new car begins to act a little strangely. There are some nice moments between Sam and his new ride, especially as they related to his interaction with Megan Fox (the red hot Mikaela Banes).

Meanwhile, U.S. military computers are being hacked by the Decepticons, looking for secrets which will lead to the energy cube.

I suppose it should come as no surprise that women are treated purely as sex objects in the Transformers. Sure, Megan has a major role as Sam’s love interest, but how can a viewer take her contributions seriously when she spends the entire movie with her breasts popping out of her shirt? Ditto Maggie Madsen (Rachael Taylor), who, though she is a gifted computer hacker working on behalf of the government, is prancing around the Pentagon in high heels and short skirts. By the way, both of these young women are supposedly of high school age.

Sure, a woman can be gifted and sexy, but Hollywood always finds a way to make the sex overshadow the gifts, don’t they?

Oh, and I want to make you aware of the barrage of in-movie advertising to which you’ll be subjected in the Transformers. Since the robots transform into earthly vehicles, it should come as no shock that car makers – in particular, GM – pounced on the opportunity to feature their cars. One scene, in which we’re introduced to all of the Autobots, is basically a GM showroom. I thought a guy in a plaid suit was going to pop out and sell me some “rust-proofing.” Also beware Mountain Dew and Nokia placements.

Let me nitpick a little more: why is it that movies never take the issue of security clearance seriously? We learn of a super secret government agency known as Sector 7 – an agency not even known to the Secretary of Defense, only to the President himself – and yet by the end of the movie a bunch of low level, high school graduate hackers are roaming the secret agency’s office halls freely. Whatever.

Still, I think that most viewers should enjoy this one. Excuse me, most MALE viewers. Women, to their credit, are generally not interested in fighting robots and objectified girls as movie content. If you’re dating a girl who is into those things, then…congrats! Barring that, fans of the franchise (read: geeks) will enjoy seeing the robots as never seen before. Fans of the movies in general should have a good time. This is a summer blockbuster, an action movie with hot women. In that context, this receives a 4 opposable thumbs out of 5 rating.
Enjoy, fellas.

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the Naked Monkey Run: Streaking through the Internet so you don't have to

I got my iPhone! I got my iPhone!

Time for another quick run through the theater aisles...

Christian Bale says there will be a Batman 3...

It's been official for a while that Indy 4 was gonna suck, but this spy photo of Shia as a greaser is just another nail in the coffin... God damn you, Lucas!

more photos, rumors and slander after the jump...


Some more revealing Indy pics here. Wow, could I be less interested to see a geriatric Indy? Harrison looks like hell.

Is this Benecio Del Toro preparing for his role as the Wolf Man?

PETA is apparently pissed off at the treatment of Speed Racer's monkey Chim Chim.

Marisa Tomei is finally topless in a movie. Um, isn't this about a decade late?

Whatever happened to Richard Kelly's follow up to Donnie Darko, Southland Tales?

Looks like Kelly isn't done just yet... His next one is the box.

I'm not a huge Jack Black fan, but Be Kind, Rewind is gonna be hilarious.

Finally. The full Bourne Ultimatum trailer is finally out! Say it with me: Best. movie. of. the. summer.

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Top 10 Actors in Hollywood

Here are two of them

Compiling a list of the best actors in Hollywood is no easy task. New actors burst onto the scene, hot actors fade away. And let’s not forget the fact that as a whole, Hollywood is simply producing dumber movies.



Ranking the Top 10 Actors in Hollywood

Please mark this moment in time. It’s the end of June in 2007, and this is a list of who I think are the best actors in Hollywood. I ask you to mark this point in time because this is such a fluid list. So many things can change so quickly. New actors burst onto the scene, hot actors fade away. And let’s not forget the fact that as a whole, Hollywood is simply producing dumber movies. Tough to locate some strong performances between Saw 4 and Georgia Rule.

So without further adieu, here are my top actors in movies TODAY – not all time. The list is in no particular order:

Tom Hanks
Actually in danger of falling off the list. Began a brilliant 10 year run with consecutive Oscars for Philadelphia and Forrest Gump. Also been nominated for Saving Private Ryan and the underrated Cast Away. He’s in danger of falling off because of a few recent clunkers: The Da Vinci Code and The Terminal among them.

Clive Owen
Clive has some mo. Beginning in 2004, he’s on a very strong run, with an Oscar nom for Closer and strong performances in King Arthur, Derailed, and Inside Man. He got absolutely robbed for not getting a nomination for his superb work in Children of Men. And don’t forget Sin City. Look forward to more work from Clive.

Daniel Day-Lewis
Admittedly, Day-Lewis probably isn’t eligible for this list because he doesn’t work enough. Dude dropped out of acting to become a freaking COBBLER in Europe. But his ability is indisputable: He won an Oscar for My Left Foot, and was nominated for In the Name of the Father and for his spine-chilling turn as Bill the Butcher in the vastly underrated Gangs of New York. That’s 3 Oscar noms in 9 films, and many feel he should have been nominated for his work in The Boxer.

Sean Penn
It pains me to admit this because, in his private life, Penn is an idiot. But his acting skill is undeniable. He’s been nominated for 4 Oscars since 1996, for Dead Man Walking, Sweet and Lowdown, I Am Sam, and finally winning for his performance in Mystic River. And don’t forget his strong work in 21 Grams and The Assassination of Richard Nixon. Dude takes himself way too seriously, but hey, whatever works for you.

Ben Kingsley
Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Kingsley has been very good for a long time. Starting with a Best Actor statue for Ghandi, he’s also been nominated for his work in Bugsy, Sexy Beast (in the best villain performance since Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter, and the best since), and House of Sand and Fog. Sir Ben is the type of actor through which a movie receives instant credibility.

Johnny Depp
Has there been a more daring actor in the last 20 years? Depp’s choice in roles is downright strange, but it’s a tribute to his talent that he makes the roles work. It may surprise you that he’s only been nominated for two Oscars: Pirates of the Caribbean (Curse of the Black Pearl) and Finding Neverland. But he seems to have escaped Oscar attention for so many other fine performances, including Ed Wood, Chocolat and Blow.

Charlize Theron
Proving she’s not just a pretty face, Theron has racked up the accolades in short time, including her Oscar win for Monster and another nom for North Country. Unfortunately, Aeon Flux is on the resume as well.

Judi Dench
Dame Dench is the best actor working today. Listen to this impressive list of Oscar noms: Mrs. Brown, Shakespeare in Love (she won), Chocolat, Iris, Mrs. Henderson Presents, and Notes on a Scandal. That’s 6 nominations – in 9 years. Wow.

Hilary Swank
An Oscar win for Boys Don’t Cry. Another one for her brilliant performance in Million Dollar Baby. A strong performance in The Gift and fun turns in The Core and Insomnia. Swank is always a threat to take home a statue, and doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

Leonardo DiCaprio
He started out as a precocious child actor but has since turned into one of the best thespians working today. He was nominated for What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Aviator and Blood Diamond, but also turned in great performances in The Departed, Catch Me If You Can, and Gangs of New York. There’s plenty more to come from Leo.

Threatening to enter the Top 10:

Christian Bale
Bale is starting to put together a pretty strong resume. His work in American Psycho was brilliant and underrated. He was terrific in The Machinist, very good in The Prestige, and has easily been the best Batman.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Hoffman’s a newcomer to the list, but he’s been around a while. Everyone knows about his brilliant, Oscar winning turn in Capote. But he was also quite convincing in Mission Impossible: III, and did some underrated work in both Talented Mr. Ripley and Along Came Polly.

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Angelina may join Topkapi

You know what would be a great heist? Angelina stealing my pants.

The Topkapi Affair is the sequel to the Thomas Crown Affair remake, and it's a heist film I really want to see get made. Brosnan has been trying to get it into production for a while, using the heist classic Topkapi as the source material. Until now he hasn't had much success, but this new bit of news just might finally get the wheels turning.


Moviehole has posted a rumor that Pierce Brosnan has offered Angelina the opportunity to co-star with him in the Topkapi Affair. Thomas Crown featured a sexy cat-and-mouse game between Brosnan and Rene Russo (perhaps her most sexy role other than that scar-comparison scene in the Lethal Weapon series), but Russo declined to come back for the sequel.

It feels like we've already seen this movie before, and yet I can't wait. Come on, people! The Thomas Crown series is as much about sex as it is about stealing things that don't belong to you. forget the precious art- I'm hoping Brosnan manages to steal her skirt.

True to the original, the Topkapi Affair will be filmed in Turkey where the story is set. Let's hope that Angelina's participation is enough to get this movie into production.

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Netflix Review - Hannibal Rising (2007)

Shoes Not Filled

It should come as no shock that Hollywood couldn’t leave well enough alone. They just HAD to try to turn a profit on the Hannibal Lecter name, didn’t they? This was about as surprising as a Lindsay Lohan coke binge – and about as annoying.

Hannibal Rising

Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 277, right behind the remake of Psycho

It’s already been 16 years since Silence of the Lambs burst onto the scene, sweeping all 5 major Academy Awards (one of only 3 films to do so) and permanently etching Hannibal Lecter into the pantheon of cinematic villainy.

In fact, Anthony Hopkins’ turn as the chilling psychiatrist has been so enduring that his career has never really been the same. I don’t say that lightly. This is one great actor. Consider that Hopkins has been nominated three times for Oscars since Silence and still has failed to live up to the standard he created. Simply put, Hopkins’ turn as Lecter is one of the best single acting performances of all time. Hell, even his own reprisals of the role (in Hannibal and Red Dragon) have failed to live up to the original.

So it should come as no shock that Hollywood couldn’t leave well enough alone. They just HAD to try to turn a profit on the Hannibal Lecter name, didn’t they? This was about as surprising as a Lindsay Lohan coke binge – and about as annoying.

And so it is against this backdrop of studio greed that I reluctantly agreed to watch and review Hannibal Rising. How did I get up the courage? I just told myself that John Travolta wasn’t in it. It’s all about perspective.

I started this review with the Hopkins perspective so I could illustrate just what an impossible task lay before Gaspard Ulliel, the actor chosen to portray Lecter in his youth. And Ulliel, a French actor in his first American film role, is in way over his head. So is director Peter Webber, whose only significant credit is that he directed Girl With a Pearl Earring.

I’m not sure who to blame for the fact that Ulliel’s Lecter is completely inconsistent with the later model. Look, I wasn’t expecting Ulliel to be as good as Hopkins; I was ready to cut the kid a break. But it’s clear that he was just aching to be psychotic, to the point where I think he overstepped where Lecter would have been at that age.

Ulliel’s Lecter is a bitter, sullen bully who can’t get along with other kids. The fact that he constantly wears a psychotic grin on his face seems overcompensation. Later versions of Lecter (don’t forget that Brian Cox played him in Manhunter) betray hardly any emotion on their faces. And wasn’t that the scary part? Lecter could be cordial and charming, but underneath was a man who wanted to eat you.

Enough discussion of Ulliel’s portrayal – no need to bludgeon the kid.

The movie’s plot isn’t going to baffle any Rhodes scholars. It’s a good old fashioned tale of revenge. But it doesn’t have to be brilliant or complex if character rings true. It doesn’t; I simply don’t see a lot of connection between Hannibal Lecter (as we knew him) and this film.

It seems as if the life portrayed here is lived by some other serial killer. Lecter grows up in a castle in Lithuania, learns to use a Samurai sword – no, that is not a typo – nearly bangs it out with his Asian aunt, all the while exacting revenge on some war criminals who did his family wrong. If this is the history of Hannibal Lecter, perhaps the producers would have been better off casting Dennis Hopper.

The point is, throughout the film, one just can’t reconcile this crazed teenager with the cool psychiatrist in Baltimore.

To be fair to the movie, it seems to have been pretty true to the book. I thought the Samurai Training School was a Hollywood plot device – and who could blame me? Hollywood has done much worse. But it turns out that non sequitur is straight from Thomas Harris’ novel of the same name. Not so coincidentally, Harris wrote the “screenplay.” What a shame. Silence of the Lambs was not only a terrific film but an incredible book. Red Dragon was also a fine novel. But who can resist the temptation to write a bland, senseless exploitation of a fine character when piles of money are thrown at you by the studios? Clearly not Thomas Harris.

No matter. This latest profiteering effort isn’t worth your time. Move on to the next exploitation of a brand name, like I, Robot 2.

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Netflix Review - Ghost Rider (2007)

What should we do with Nick's hair?

...this sounds about right.

I actually saw this about a week ago. I’ve since been to church, therapy, and to visit the grilled cheese sandwich that looks like Jesus, located in Oklahoma (where else would it be?).


Ghost Rider

Suggested Netflix Queue Position: How Many Movies does Netflix Carry? Take that number and add 1.

I tried to get out of this. I pleaded with Foley and Moxon. We drew straws, we flipped coins, played rock/paper/scissors – hell, I even threatened to quit the blog. None of it worked – I was the one chosen to review Ghost Rider, the film version of the comic book of the same name.

I actually saw this about a week ago. I’ve since been to church, to therapy, and even to visit the grilled cheese sandwich that looks like Jesus, located in Oklahoma (where else would it be?).

If it sounds like I’m exaggerating, then you need to watch Ghost Rider. The “film” stars Nick “Call me Cage” Coppola, as a motorcycle daredevil who makes a pact with the devil to save his father, only to realize he got more than he bargained for.

Nick stars as Johnny Blaze, a budding stunt rider who works alongside his Dad in a circus. Johnny’s dad has developed lung cancer through years of smoking – a fact Johnny discovers as he’s rummaging through the garbage in their trailer, coming upon a form letter informing the senior Blaze he has cancer. Is that how it works? Really? What kind of bastard doctor sends cancer notification form letters to his patients? Dr. Kevorkian? I guess it wouldn’t have dawned on Johnny otherwise, having watched his dad hack and wheeze his way through several conversations.

The devil, played by – you’re not going to believe this – Peter Fonda, shows up and offers Johnny what he truly wants: to cure his dad of cancer. All it costs is his soul. Johnny is about to sign the pact when his finger is pricked accidentally, spilling his blood on the contract. That’s good enough, according to the devil. I guess we’re now supposed to sympathize with Johnny because he inadvertently signed the pact, but he was about to anyway. Whatever.

One of the true accomplishments of this movie is the producers’ ability to locate Peter Fonda, who was probably cleaning ashtrays at the Golden Nugget Casino in Reno, the great scripts not exactly rolling in for the underachiever of the Fonda family.

That accomplishment was way more impressive than landing Sam Elliot – fresh off of blockbuster projects The Alibi, Avenger, and Barnyard. No, I’ve never heard of those, either. Not sure there’s any truth to the rumor that next to Elliot’s name in the movie’s budget was listed “Hand job and a sandwich.”

Capping off this incredible cast is Eva Mendes, who is so believable as a reporter you can’t stand it. I don’t know about you, but when I think of Eva Mendes, I think “journalist.” Let’s send her to Gaza right now. And yet, one can totally understand why she was cast in Ghost Rider. It’s not like she was competing against Judi Dench and Meryl Streep for this role. They needed a semi-recognizable hard body, and Mendes fits the bill. No danger of her bringing down the movie when it started there in the first place. She spends the movie with her cleavage busting out of her shirt, which I’m sure was accidental. On the surface, I’m not complaining. But cinematically that doesn’t do much for your career in the long run. But who are we kidding? Mendes won’t be playing Queen Victoria when she’s 50 or anything.

I’m not even going to go into the ridiculous plot details – why bother? Why trouble with telling you about how the motorcycle catches fire, burns miles of city street, can ride down the side of a skyscraper, and yet its tires don’t melt? Why go through the effort of telling you how Nick has to fight a crew of archangels in the form of Water, Dirt, and Air. What, did Earth, Wind & Fire threaten a lawsuit?

Why bother with telling you how, instead of drinking – like any self-respecting stunt rider would – Blaze instead eats jelly beans...from a freaking martini glass? Was that supposed to make me laugh? Intentionally, I mean? Or was the laughter supposed to come when I found out that Blaze listens to the Carpenters?

The writing is awful, but you knew that. But just so you’re thoroughly convinced, I’ll quote Blaze: “He may have my soul. But he doesn’t have my spirit.” I’m serious – that’s actually a line from the movie.

And of course, there’s Nick. Good old Nick. I’ve heard that his chest is CGI enhanced in this movie which, considering the magnitude to which your sensibilities are assaulted by the rest of the film, is perfectly plausible. And you know what? It’s OK. I’ll forgive him that, because he’s got bigger problems on his hands, like picking up his career after Next and whatever terrible script he’s about to choose.

And you know what’s really going to suck? I’ll have to review it.

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Hitman Trailer now available

The first Hitman Trailer is here! Check out the assasination goodness after the jump...

Joblo scooped the first release of the trailer. Its pretty small, but definitely worth a look. I think Luc Besson has done a nice job making sure to stay true to the Hitman franchise, especially with Ave Maria playing through the trailer.

My only complaint? I still think Jason Statham should have had the role instead of Timothy Olyphant...

Check it out for yourself...

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We, Robots (I, Robot 2): Future Review

Total pansy sissy Mary baby cry-cry

We, Robots (I, Robot 2): Future Review

Zero Opposable Thumbs up (Out of Five) and a Poo Fling

(From the Monkey Time Machine - 2010)

Good God, what happened here? I enjoyed "I, Robot" even though, as an Asimov fan, I felt mildly outraged. But now? Shit, I want to kill something. With my bare hands. Then drink its blood. And eat its skin.

Sorry. Sometimes bad movies make me angry, and "We, Robots" is a very bad movie.

Joel Schumacher, who directed "We, Robots," has made some great films: "Phone Booth", "Falling Down" and, uh, "D.C. Cab". He's also the guy who put nipples on Batman's suit, for which he will never be forgiven.

There is a decent conflict in this movie, I have to admit: it's humanoid robots like Sonny (from the first movie) vs. billions of dumb miniature robots. The minibots are run by something called "swarm intelligence" which is the same process that lets ants, bees, and termites build incredibly complicated societies and structures even though the individuals have IQs of about 0.000001. The more minibots there are, the smarter they become. Nine minibots are easy to deal with. Nine billion minibots will develop warp drive before you're finished with breakfast. It's a good concept for a nasty, faceless enemy.

But even a cool concept doesn't save this movie from the dreaded Monkey Poo Fling. Why? It hurts to even type this:

The robots cry. And then they sing a sad little robot song. I swear to god. They fucking CRY and SING.

*sigh*

You don't really need to know anything else. You don't need to know about Will Smith, whose character has had so many accidents and rebuilding he's more of a wise-cracking Robocop than anything else. You don't need to know about the battles in low earth orbit, because at that point, the robots have wept tender tears in a minor key, the movie is irrepairably ruined, and you just want everyone to die.

Did I mention the movie is three hours long? It's three hours long.

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Men in Black 3: Future Review

Surprisingly not full of suck

Men in Black 3: Future Review

Monkey Score: Four Opposable Thumbs Up (out of Five)

(From the Monkey Time Machine - 2011)

"Men in Black 3" is far better than "Men in Black 2" for one reason - it takes the characters into new territory, instead of the shoot-the-alien-before-it-destroys-earth plot we saw the first two times out.

Since you may not remember way back to 2002, the Men in Black are an alien-tracking organization so secret the government doesn't even know about it. But, inevitably, a 100-foot slug decides to ingest an office building and dozens of humans see this. The MIB use a special pen-sized device called a neuralizer to erase people's memories of the event. The neuralizers are the only things that keep people feeling safe about their lives, the MIB doctrine goes.

So, of course, in MIB3, the neuralizers stop working. It's in all the trailers, so I don't think I'm giving anything away.

Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith reprise their roles as Agents J and K, as they try to figure out what the problem is, and quarantine the growing number of witnesses. Agent J wisely decides to tell the witnesses everything and even give them a tour of the MIB facility, mostly because it calms them down. And since they plan to restart the neuralizers, why not?

Smith and Jones find themselves up against a devious alien shape-shifting trickster, Koli (anagram of "Loki", which I don't think is an accident). Koli is played with shocking ferocity by hot-with-a-side-of-crazy-eyes Amy Poehler, taking a leave of absence from Saturday Night Live. Apparently, she has a device that's causing the neuralizers to stop working. Even when she's eating an entire police squadron, she's so damn likable that it's hard not to root for the villain. But then she switches to crazy-batshit-mean in about half a second and it's clear she must die.

Meanwhile, the number of alien sightings go through the roof. President Gore appears to make a cameo, but the filmmakers are tight-lipped as to whether the appearance is real or computer-generated. However, Gore has previously shown himself comfortable in the presence of movie cameras ("An Inconvenient Truth", "Global Warming is Hot!" with co-star Paris Hilton).

An audience favorite is the gang of gross but cocky worm-bugs set loose on the streets of New York. Successfully seducing drug-addled club girls (especially those on the new "Foxy" drug) is so convincing that it might persuade a few hot young things to stay away from the harder stuff.

Like the other MIB films, the emphasis is on goofy fun. Coming off the unfortunate stinker "We, Robots" (I, Robot 2), Will Smith makes good in another futuristic action movie, but one that plays well to his humor. Word is he took a break from directing the 24th Bond movie to shoot this sequel.

Again,Tommy Lee Jones' businesslike sternness and logic plays well against Smith's more spontaneous, freewheeling style. And the surprisingly clever game of cat-and-mouse between Smith & Jones and Koli keeps the movie racing along, even as the general population begins to panic over the large number of aliens.

As soon as the MIB figure out how to get the neuralizers working, they stop again. How is Koli doing it? Are we sure it's still her? All signs point to her, and she doesn't discourage the attention.

I won't reveal the ending, except to say it's not the one you expect.

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Batman Spy Report!

An anonymous source has posted information on the filming of two big scenes for Batman: the Dark Knight. Caution- SPOILERS ahead...



That's right, someone was on the set during filming of two scenes- the main one being a fundraiser event for Harvey Dent, in which the Joker shows up with some henchmen looking for Dent. According to the spy, the Joker does not look as grotesque as he does in the picture above (at least not in that scene). He has long hair with green highlights, and a purple coat and gloves...

I'm going to let you read the rest of the spy news over at JoBlo, who originally landed the scoop.

Another major SPOILER- Film Ick is reporting confirmation that Anthony Michael Hall is none other than Edward Nygma in The Dark Knight. So we have the characters that become the Riddler (Nygma) AND Two-Face (Harvey Dent) in the same Batman movie again? Well hell, why doesn't he just break out Robin and the codpieces as well?

You're treading on thin ice, Nolan.

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Stone of Destiny: Another heist film plots to steal my money?

I'm counting on Kate to take me out if I try to see this heist film...

A new heist film is in the works- Stone of Destiny, about the actual heist of the famed Stone of Scone, which was used for centuries in the coronations of Monarchs of Scotland and England. Is this a great movie in the making, or another elaborate plan to steal my money?


Hey, I'm all for heist film goodness, even comedic heist films. But this one is written and directed by Charles Martin Smith. He's better known as a bit actor and has been in movies such as the Untouchables, but it's probably more relevant to note that he was the director of Air Bud. Yes, THAT movie about the dog that can play basketball. Dark Horizons reports that the heist movie has been greenlighted with a $6 million budget, and will star Kate Mara (above) and Charlie Cox. I know you've never heard of them, but trust me, they're HUGE stars in Japan.

Did I mention that this film is about 4 students who steal a friggin' ROCK?

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UPDATED! The REAL Bat Cycle Revealed! NOW WITH VIDEO

Damn that looks dangerous to ride... and MUCH cooler than that other bike

UPDATE! VIDEO AVAILABLE AFTER THE JUMP
Let's face it- I was fooled by that false Batcyle in a previous post (I wasn't the only one). But the good news is that that over-the-top bike isn't from the Dark Knight. My faith in Nolan has been restored.. More info and another photo after the jump.



UPDATE: MSN has a clip from the Today show of the new bike.
check that out at MSN, via the always excellent Film Ick.

The LA Times has an article on the new bike, called the Bat Pod. It's worth checking out. All I have to say is thank god they aren't using that other bike. I really like this less stylized look over the over-the-top crap from the first round of Batman movies...

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3:10 to Yuma: A Western worth seeing

Bale continues to impress...

I'm not normally a big fan of Westerns, but 3:10 to Yuma has me intrigued. It's got Christian Bale and Russell Crowe (as the bad guy, no less). Now you can check out the first trailer...



First Showing has the trailer up. It's a solid trailer (though not amazing), and the cast is hard to ignore. It seems like it's been a while since we've had a good western out, so I'm looking forward to this one. Skip on over there to check it out.

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Box Office Results

what did we learn? 13 year old boys rule the box office, and they'd rather watch crappy space surfing instead of sophisticated Vegas heists...

Box Office results are in for the weekend and Silver Surfer did some damage, knocking Ocean's crew out of first place:

MOVIE Weekend Gross Total
1. FF2: Silver Surfer $57,400,000 $57,400,000
2. Ocean's Thirteen $19,105,000 $69,810,000
3. Knocked Up $14,535,000 $90,482,000
4. Pirates 3 $12,024,000 $273,757,000
5. Surf's Up $9,300,000 $34,671,000

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