We, Robots (I, Robot 2): Future Review

Total pansy sissy Mary baby cry-cry

We, Robots (I, Robot 2): Future Review

Zero Opposable Thumbs up (Out of Five) and a Poo Fling

(From the Monkey Time Machine - 2010)

Good God, what happened here? I enjoyed "I, Robot" even though, as an Asimov fan, I felt mildly outraged. But now? Shit, I want to kill something. With my bare hands. Then drink its blood. And eat its skin.

Sorry. Sometimes bad movies make me angry, and "We, Robots" is a very bad movie.

Joel Schumacher, who directed "We, Robots," has made some great films: "Phone Booth", "Falling Down" and, uh, "D.C. Cab". He's also the guy who put nipples on Batman's suit, for which he will never be forgiven.

There is a decent conflict in this movie, I have to admit: it's humanoid robots like Sonny (from the first movie) vs. billions of dumb miniature robots. The minibots are run by something called "swarm intelligence" which is the same process that lets ants, bees, and termites build incredibly complicated societies and structures even though the individuals have IQs of about 0.000001. The more minibots there are, the smarter they become. Nine minibots are easy to deal with. Nine billion minibots will develop warp drive before you're finished with breakfast. It's a good concept for a nasty, faceless enemy.

But even a cool concept doesn't save this movie from the dreaded Monkey Poo Fling. Why? It hurts to even type this:

The robots cry. And then they sing a sad little robot song. I swear to god. They fucking CRY and SING.

*sigh*

You don't really need to know anything else. You don't need to know about Will Smith, whose character has had so many accidents and rebuilding he's more of a wise-cracking Robocop than anything else. You don't need to know about the battles in low earth orbit, because at that point, the robots have wept tender tears in a minor key, the movie is irrepairably ruined, and you just want everyone to die.

Did I mention the movie is three hours long? It's three hours long.