The Wachowski's Speed Racer film is moving forward (filming begins next week), and the Mach 5 has finally been revealed. It looks, well, pretty much like it did in the cartoon. Which is fantastic. More details after the jump...
According to producer Joel Silver, the film will have a 'retro-future' look, and stars Emile Hirsch as Speed, Christina Ricci as Trixie, and Matthew Fox as Racer X. As for Chim Chim? They are using a real chimp. As for the racing, most of that will be CG. Can't say I'm too excited about that...
Personally, the Speed Racer cartoon was always my favorite. I grew up on that stuff- some of my fondest childhood memories are of watching cartoon cars go off the cliff during those heated races. Really, did anyone notice how many people died in flaming wrecks every episode? Freakin' hardcore, man.
USA Today has the full article here.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Speed Racer: The Mach 5 Unveiled!
those Ocean's guys are damn funny
"You're thinking that we're not just whores for money. There's your mistake."
- George Clooney
OK, it's well documented that I'm a bit of a heist slut- but this doesn't change the fact that there is a lot of talent behind Ocean's 13, and I think it is a very safe bet that the third one is going to be better than the disappointing second.
Time has a hilarious interview with Clooney, Pitt, Damon, and newcomer Ellen Barkin, who is looking surprisingly hot for her age.
They cover the new movie, Al Pacino's tendency to eat up scenes, their own favorite actors, and Ellen Barkin sleeping with the entire cast.
It's refreshing to read about mega-stars that don't take themselves too seriously. On one hand Clooney, Pitt and Damon all have their causes and aren't afraid to speak their mind about the issues they care about, but on the other hand I think you have to respect them for being able to laugh at themselves and not pretend everything they do has some deep meaning. Ocean's 13 is about having fun at the movies. It's about celebrating Hollywood. And sure, it's about making a lot of money.
These guys remind me of the guys I used to hang with in college. Except, you know, less money, less hot chicks, and not as funny.
Read it for yourself at Time.
Harry Potter's got his own Theme Park
Perhaps most significant is the fact that Oscar-winning production designer Stuart Craig, who created the sets for all the movies, will lead the creative design of the area. That should definitely keep the look and feel of the movies intact. Check out more concept images and read more here.
Initial concept of Universal's Harry Potter theme world
Warner Bros and Universal have officially announced that they will build "The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter" at Universal's Islands of Adventure theme park. The two studios will collaborate to "create the world’s first fully immersive Harry Potter themed environment", which should be open in 2009.
My god, what a moneymaker this is going to be.
Deadline Hollywood first broke the news yesterday. According to the official studio press release, the concept is to create a physical environment that fans can explore, taking visitors to locations such as Hogsmeade Village, the Forbidden Forest, and Hogwarts Castle. The area will include the standard fare of rides, shops and restaurants.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Netflix Review: Mission Impossible III (2006)
Philip Seymour Hoffman: Show StealerIf you can get past silly, far fetched gadget scenes, you’ll actually find a well made movie.
Let’s get one thing out of the way: I don’t like movies where the people wear masks and rip them off at a convenient moment. The Mission Impossible series – if you’ve seen the first two installments – loves this gimmick. But of course it’s nothing more than a deus ex machina.
That said, the MI series does have its strong points, the biggest of which – and I can’t believe I’m going to type this – is Tom Cruise. Let’s face it: the guy may be a nut job, but he definitely knows how to carry a film. We forget, despite all the strange public commentary, scientology, and fake affection he shows Katie, that Cruise is actually a good actor. Now, if somebody can just write some meds into his contracts…
I digress. Even though Cruise has carried the series so far, it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman (as criminal Owen Davian) that truly steals the show in MI:3. We haven’t had a great movie villain since Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast – and that was seven years ago. Hoffman is downright menacing. He chillingly delivers threats that he obviously considers promises, and you fully believe that he will actually deliver on them.
I can’t stress this enough: a hero is only as heroic as his villain is threatening. This is what has crippled the Batman movies, IMO. Do you really feel threatened by some cackling idiot called the Joker? I don’t believe the Joker is capable of much evil at all. Therefore, how heroic can Batman be? I could deck the Joker while bedridden with a bad case of dysentery.
But Hoffman’s great performance truly lets Cruise’s Ethan Hunt shine as the hero. You actually get the feeling that Hunt could lose. When’s the last time you thought that about a movie hero?
Don’t worry: there are still ridiculous MI gadgets and stunts that simply aren’t close to plausible, such as when the crew manufactures a mask looking like Davian in the basement of a museum. The mask takes about 3 minutes to produce and looks exactly like Davian. Why don’t these guys open a mask-making business and strike it rich?
There is also a ridiculous scene where Hunt is falling down a skyscraper yet is able to accurately shoot several bad guys.
Whatever. You know what you’re getting into with MI, and you just have to set such foolishness aside. Within the context of MI, this is easily the best of the series. The picture is far grittier than either of its two predecessors, which is definitely a change for the better, and provides a solid backdrop for the great tension provided by Cruise and Hoffman.
The dialogue is decent and the supporting actors, well, support. And that’s fine here. So if you can easily get past silly, far fetched gadget scenes, you’ll actually find a well made movie.
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both in the Slammer?
Does this dress count as a breathelyzer?
It looks like we'll finally be rid of these two attention whores for a little while...
We are at a rare moment in history: two young, coddled celebrity women are going to jail! Well, at least Lohan might go to jail. Meanwhile, she’s going to rehab.
The purpose of our correctional system is to keep bad people off the streets and out of society. There are those who say that prison/jail can also rehabilitate criminals.
At least the first part will be accomplished. You see, by locking up these girls, they won’t be able to fill our conscience with bad movies, stupid comments, and incessant news coverage of their inane lives. OK, that last part is largely attributable to the media, but it’s not like these girls run from the coverage.
As for the possibility of rehabilitation, which in their case would qualify as a lesson learned, I say LOL. I’m not sure there’s anything in the world that will teach Paris Hilton a lesson. She wouldn’t know a lesson if it texted her during a blow job.
As for Lohan, she couldn’t even rehab…in rehab. Now, she’s back in. This chick makes Robert Downey, Jr. look like Brigham Young.
Each of them would get one phone call, right? Who do you think they’d call? My money says Lohan calls her dealer. I think Paris dials a wrong number – even though it’s in her speed dial. Hey, wrong numbers count as a phone call, right?
Die Cable Die! Or, Why Watch TV on Netflix
Say goodbye to those unsightly commercials!Commercials suck. Even if you're fast-forwarding through them, you still have to sit and watch. Fuck that.
I don't watch new shows on TV anymore. I wait for the season to come out on DVD, and rent them via Netflix.
If you're not doing this, you should. A good show with no commercials is amazingly more interesting than a good show with commercials. (even commercials you fast-forward through).
Newer TV shows are significantly more cinematic than those of yore, and to break the story constantly with talking snot, tampons with wings, and smug car salesmen, well, it just sucks. When I'm in a story, I want to stay in the story, dammit!
I know, it doesn't sound like it'd make a difference, but it does: I saw the first two seasons of Lost without any breaks. Hell, I saw most of the first season in a single day and it was a religious frickin' experience, it was so damn good.
The downside: you have to wait until the shows come out on DVD. Everyone else is watching and talking about what was on last night, and you have to wait. You're behind the times, surfing the wake of the zeitgeist.
Get over it. Any removal of advertising in your life is a good thing.
(Yes, I know there are ads on either side of this post. But some of you will click on them. You can't help it.)
Netflix TV: The 4400
X-Men meets X-Files. And it works.The 4400
Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 2
Premise: A giant ball of light shows up near Seattle and barfs out 4400 people. They're all missing persons, and they've all disappeared at different times - some from 2001, some from 1946. They have no memory of where they've been. Then, they start to develop special powers: seeing the future, glowing, ability to heal, and so on.
Yes, it sounds a like X-Men, but it feels like The X-Files. We follow well-intentioned gov't agents as they cruise through several layers of weirdness, mysteries, secrets, and conspiracies. Unlike X-Files, there is no question as to whether the agents will sleep together. They will not. But they shag other folk, so that's fine.
Why watch: Good surprises, government conspiracies, gradual reveals of a longer storyline, and some really weird powers. Nothing too comic-booky, like Porcupine Boy - mostly stuff that messes with your head, which is a welcome change (and cheaper to film, I'm sure).
Some excellent plot twists, and plenty of the New TV Drama Rule, which is Kill Off Major Characters. Only a few scenes and subplots are abjectly stupid, and there's enough good that they're worth wading through.
Bonus: Summer Glau, the Hot & Crazy chick from "Firely" and "Serenity" has an intermittent role.
So far, I've seen three seasons on DVD. Verdict: better than Lost.
Shrek the Third - Review
One of the kick-ass ideas in a disappointing flick.Shrek the Third
Monkey Score: 2 Opposable Thumbs Up (Out of 5)
God bless the filmmakers of "Shrek the Third" - they're really trying. You can tell.
Oh well.
The first Shrek was funny as hell. The second was iffy, but Puss-n-Boots (Antonio Banderas) saved the flick. Sadly, there's no saving grace for Shrek 3. There are some clever bits, but not enough is done with them.
The plot: Shrek doesn't want to be king, so he must find the kingdom's next heir (why didn't anyone ask Fiona if she wanted to be queen?). As his ship departs, Fiona reveals she's pregnant. He isn't thrilled.
Meanwhile, the evil Prince Charming wants to rule, so he gathers together all the storybook villains: Capt. Hook, various witches, evil queens, and a cyclops. This could have been awesome, but they didn't take it far enough.
Shrek finds the lost heir, a whiny teen, and kidnaps him. The teen is Arthur (to be King Arthur, of course). Cool idea, but they don't do anything with it. Arthur just complains that he isn't ready to be a king. What, he wants to go back? Even the nerds were kicking his ass in high school. Count yourself stupidly lucky, you simpering wretch. Shrek should've stuffed him down the nearest gopher hole.
Meanwhile, Charming kidnaps the princesses (Fiona, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, and the Queen), who escape and promptly become a very cool all-girl A-Team. Again, more could be done with this - it's a brilliant idea.
Notice all the good ideas have nothing to do with Shrek, Donkey, and Puss-n-Boots. We've seen their journey before, and Shrek's trepidation about becoming a father isn't too interesting (though the Baby Nightmare is pretty sweet). Unfortunately, Puss-n-Boots has a much smaller role, and I missed him - his suave elegance is a great foil to the ham-fisted Shrek. But he's barely in the movie. And Donkey's fine - he's just not given much to do.
SPOILER ALERT
Stop reading now if you don't want details revealed.
All this boils down to a disappointing ending. A showdown between the powerful, evil storybook villains, and the overwhelmed but plucky good characters? Well... no. The whiny Arthur grows enough of a pair to convince all the villains to stop being mean and go away to grow flowers. Seriously. That's it. That's the big showdown. They walk away. And it all happens on a battlefield in an -- wait. It happens during a play. A PLAY?! *sigh*
I've heard rumors of Shrek 4 and 5 being developed, with Shrek 4 being a prequel, kind of a "Shrek Begins."
Feh.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Review
Low expectations = fun movie
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Monkey Rating: 4 Opposable Thumbs Up (out of 5)
Watching "Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End" is like having a crush on someone - you're having so much fun that you don't mind the annoying bits at all. Yes, it's too long, has superfluous characters, plot twists I lost track of, and subplots I ignored. But I didn't care, being too busy booing the villains, cheering the good guys, and going "Cool!" at the special effects.
"Pirates" is bold, loud, frantic, surreal (things get weird when you see the giant nose), and has a surprisingly good vocabulary. Its seas are deep, menacing, and active. And the movie is nothing without the teetering, swishy, bemused Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), of course. He's the only character I really cared about, followed closely by Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), the only one in the movie who really gets into the "ARRR!" of being a pirate.
My chief complaint about the second "Pirates" movie was that they didn't spend enough time on the ocean doing piratey stuff. And Davy Jones looked scary, but was actually just a tentacled pansy we were supposed to feel sorry for. No good.
Not this time! Finally, Davy Jones is an evil bastard! A real villain! And there's even a larger villain, some wretch from the East India Co. who's managed to capture Jones' heart, and thus command him.
(Note: in case you missed it, corporate CEOs have replaced Nazis as Most Reliable Bad Guys in movies. Even more so than terrorists. For some reason, they're scarier. )
How to enjoy this movie:
- Go on the ride in Disneyland. Even in the third movie, there are plenty of references to it.
- Hit the bathroom before it starts
- Lower your expectations
- When Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly have a heart-to-heart, feel free to go back to the bathroom, buy a $4 hot dog, or imagine your date naked. Remember the Aragorn/Arwen yawn-fest of LOTR? It's like that.
- Pay attention to the details: lots of little things are pretty funny, and the wordplay is better than I've seen in years on the big screen.
(Note: in case you missed it, women are the new action heroes. Guys are mostly charming rogues.)
Orlando Bloom does some stuff, I think. Something to do with his dad.
Other reviewers have complained about the exhausting non-stop action, convoluted plot, and the nearly-three-hours running time. And they're right - these things detract, and they keep this movie good instead of great. But look - I work hard, I'm tired, and I just wanted to see wacky pirates beat the shit out of each other for a while. I got exactly what I wanted, and I had a great time.
And the ending is not what you think it is. 'Nuff said.
This was a hard review to write, because I don't want to analyze this film too much: it's not a relationship - it's just a crush.
Steve totally disagees with me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Netflix Review: Children of Men (2006)
Clive Owen and Claire-Hope AshiteyChildren of Men
Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 1
In a time when we’re inundated with mindless action films, unnecessary remakes, and predictable romantic comedies, a truly well made and thought-provoking film will easily stand out. Children of Men is exactly that.
This is one of the best films of 2006. Well cast, superbly shot, and thoughtfully written, Children of Men is a riveting picture from beginning to end.
The year is 2027. The human race faces a bleak future: no child has been born for 18 years, and the scientific community is unable to determine why, much less reignite fertility. This extinction crisis has created a dystopian world which casts a permanent, palpable tension over the film in the form of decaying morality and ever-changing alliances.
Theo Faron (Clive Owen) is a low level government worker whose relationship history with Julian Taylor (Julianne Moore), a member of the underground activist group The Fishes, draws him into the center of a mission to shuttle a valuable passenger to the Human Project, a rumored center for fertility. The passenger is Kee (Claire-Hope Ashitey), and she is pregnant.
As Theo and Julian attempt to transport the passenger across an ominous-looking Great Britain, we’re drawn into a quickly fraying world fraught with violent clashes between government and nationalistic rebel sects. Everyone wants a piece of Kee, each for different reasons. The task of moving a young, pregnant girl through such brutal surroundings presents a context of nervous fragility that crackles throughout the picture.
It’s a frightening, maddening, confusing world, brought to life by strong performances from the entire cast. Owen shines as the office worker who is in over his head. Moore is convincing as a rebel leader immersed deep in the cause. Michael Caine provides strong perspective – and well placed humor – to this dark time as the kooky yet cunning Jasper Palmer. The underrated Chiwetel Ejiofor effectively casts further confusion as one of the leaders of the Fishes.
It helps that the writing team has supplied to the cast clear, believable dialogue. This team of scribes clearly knew their characters.
Under the deliberate hand of Director Alfonso Cuarón, the movie’s tone is never in question: this is a dark, tense picture, strongly united by performance, writing and cinematography. Cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki makes sure of that, fittingly dressing the film in a grey hue, perfect not only for its backdrop to the dystopian setting, but also for underscoring the truly confusing alliances formed to protect both personal and national interests.
Move this up to the top of your queue – you won’t regret it.
Netflix Review: Deja Vu (2007)
Good Thing She's Hot!Déjà Vu
Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 783, right behind Shaggy Dog
Raise your hand if you thought that Déjà Vu would attempt to be a time travel movie? OK, now raise your hands if, were you funding said time travel movie, you would have selected Tony Scott to direct? That’s what I thought.
Denzel Washington stars as Doug Carlin, an ATF agent assigned to investigate the terrorist bombing of a ferry in New Orleans. Carlin is alerted to the discovery of the body of Claire Kuchever (played by Paula Patton), who washed ashore a little ways down from the scene of the explosion. It washes ashore a bit too early to be a casualty from the explosion, so Carlin senses that the deceased woman may play a bigger role in the case than first expected.
Val “Let’s Film Tombstone II” Kilmer plays FBI Agent Pryzwarra, assigned to the case. The inter-agency jurisdiction over the case is never really made clear throughout the film; it’s just a disorganized band of federal, state and local officials looking for stuff.
Pryzwarra seems to think that Carlin is talented, so he invites him to be on a special FBI task force investigating the incident through the use of a nifty machine which “folds space onto itself.” Don’t get too technical on us, Tony.
The machine is able to see 4-1/2 days into the past, so the FBI crew + Carlin (who didn’t fill out any security clearance paperwork, by the way) use it to find out who planted the bomb. The room which houses the machine is the typical action film technology center: huge TV screens, insultingly easy buttons and joysticks, and the resident squad of rebellious, witty geeks.
While seeing 4-1/2 days into the past, the crew spies on Claire, watching her nude up in the shower. No word on the taxpayers’ reaction to the use of this mind-blowing machine to voyeur. In the process, Carlin falls for Claire, which accelerates his desire to solve the case.
Luckily for Carlin, Claire is drop dead gorgeous, otherwise we might not have a film. If she was a cow, Carlin might have just arrested the closest person to the ferry. He doesn’t seem to care much about the lives of the other hundreds on board the ferry. He just wants to save the hottie.
I don’t need to tell you how this film ends – it’s obvious. I just wish I could “fold space onto itself” and prevent the studio from ever green-lighting this mess.
Netlix Review: Casino Royale (2006)
Game of Texas Hold 'Em, Anyone?Casino Royale
Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 83
Before embarking on this review, I have to be honest with you, the reader: it was hard for me to be unbiased going into this film. Why? Because the Bond franchise, once full of so much promise, had descended into a laughable mess of impossible stunts and cheesy one-liners. Bond fans, you know what I’m talking about – don’t even deny it. Skiing a huge mountain on one ski, surfing a tidal wave using the side of a garden shed (or billboard, or whatever it was), etc. – I could go on, but I won’t.
Still, I was able to look at this movie with fresh perspective. The Bond series badly needed an infusion of credibility and grit. Casino Royale does deserve credit for delivering on those two needs, for the most part. It’s Daniel Craig that delivers. He is a good choice for this role: burly, handsome in a grittier way, and a bit psychopathic.
That’s where the credit ends, however, as the movie falls victim to action film clichés of today, which is to say that it has more plot holes than a porno. Though it’s the best of the Bond movies, that’s not saying much.
Consider:
* You mean to tell me that Vesper (the treasury agent) isn’t on the up and up? No, that can’t be possible. Who could possibly have predicted that? I knew immediately upon her entrance into the film, and if people didn’t figure it out after the 15 minutes of aimless caressing on exotic beaches, then they’re truly myopic Bond fans.
* Nice job of checking her credentials, Bond. Dude can break into M’s apartment and log into the system using her password, but a hottie plops down in the seat opposite him on a train, and he never questions her legitimacy as a $10 million courier?
* About 20 minutes through the film, Bond should have been hawking Eiffel Tower snow globes on the Champs-Elysees. At least that’s the fate that usually befalls newly promoted special agents who (a) break into the Director’s pad, (b) hack her computer, (c) defy her orders and (d) hang up on her. I have to say, M is a pretty cool chick.
* You have to love an agency like MI6, which goes through the trouble of outfitting an Aston Martin with a defibrillator, yet carelessly sets up an operation between a special agent and a woman from the Treasury. I know that’s what I’d do if I was Director of the CIA. I’d choose an unproven, reckless, defiant agent, and team him up with a lady from the IRS. That’s not putting anyone’s life at stake.
* Women from the Treasury don’t look like that. That role should have gone to Camryn Manheim, who seems more the Treasury type.
* Did we really need Mathis narrating the poker action? Le Chiffre puts $10 million on the table, and Mathis pipes up with, “Bond will have to bet $10 million to call his bluff.” Oh, really? I think you missed your calling as a color commentator on ESPN 6, jackass. I know damn well what’s going on. It’s downright insulting that they have to drop ridiculously obvious plot explanations like that for the idiots in the audience. But not as insulting as…
* …the game itself. Here we are in Montenegro playing in an elegant casino, full of international intrigue, with terrorists, undercover agents, and glamorous women. The world’s safety is at stake. Now, let’s get down to business and play a game of…Texas Hold ‘Em? Are you shi*ting me?? Here is your Pabst Blue Ribbon, Mr. Bond. Shaken, of course.
I’m mildly recommending this film in the context that it’s probably the best Bond film ever. In the total movie landscape, however, it’s fairly average.
Netflix Review: Fast Food Nation (2006)
Misplaced Beef!Fast Food Nation
Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 47
I’ll try not to turn this review into social commentary, but Fast Food Nation doesn’t leave you much choice. This is a blatant, if misguided, attack on the Fast Food Industry.
This movie should have been called “Sexual Harassment in the Meat Packing Workplace,” because that’s ultimately the subject on which the film focuses.
Greg Kinnear plays Don Anderson, Marketing Executive for Mickey’s, a not-so-subtle jab at McDonald’s, of course. Anderson has made a name for himself by creating and branding “The Big One”, a large hamburger. But trouble arises when Anderson is notified that unexpectedly high levels of contamination are finding its way into the meat. He must go to the Colorado plant of the meat supplier to investigate.
What begins as an investigation by Anderson, however, wanders into a portrait of life as an employee of a small-town meat packing company. A corrupt supervisor at the meat plant sexually harasses (and assaults) his female workers. The workers at the plant, illegal immigrants from Mexico, can hardly fight back since their resident status – not to mention income – would be jeopardized.
A teenage employee at Mickey’s ponders her future as a group of her friends protests the treatment of cows at the plant. Meanwhile, Anderson is led around the plant and a local ranch in search of answers to the contamination issue, which are cryptically offered by local ranch hands and middlemen in a web of hearsay.
If Director Richard Linklater (Bad News Bears) was trying to expose the fast food industry, he should have stuck to the FAST FOOD INDUSTRY. Aside from the scenes where teenage employees at Mickey’s complain about wages, the movie doesn’t have much to do with fast food, which doesn’t serve as much of an indictment.
I wouldn’t be too concerned about this film were I an executive of a fast food chain. How is McDonald’s responsible for illegal behavior by supervisory staff at their meat suppliers? As for the disgruntled teenage employees at these fast food chains, why don’t they find another place to work? I’m sure the Gap is hiring. Hell, one character even rants about the plethora of retail stores new to the area.
This all, of course, stems from the fact that people are upset with the unhealthy crap being served up by fast food chains. So even a feeble expose such as this seems misplaced, if not unwarranted. Further, since ‘Super Size Me’ cornered the market on the unhealthy face of this industry, what’s left is this vague and peripheral portrait. What both films ignore is that, if fast food so unhealthy, then EAT SOMEPLACE ELSE. No one is holding a gun to the heads of the general public.
As for Fast Food Nation, far more relevant would have been Mickey’s reaction to the contamination concerns. Did they ignore the signals? Will they change suppliers? We never find out – and it should come as no surprise that the big bad corporation doesn’t get the chance to defend itself here. Then again, facing such a weak attack, they really don’t have to.
Netflix Review: Rocky Balboa (2006)
You Mean Rocky is an UNDERDOG??Suggested Netflix Queue Position: 377, right behind Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood
As one who is only peripherally involved in sports betting, I have to ask this question: how many times does Rocky have to win a big fight before he’s NOT an underdog? Dude has taken out the heavyweight champ, a huge guy with a Mohawk, Hulk Hogan (remember that??), and a Russian on steroids. PUT YOUR FREAKING MONEY ON ROCKY.
Sylvester “I owe the government some money” Stallone returns as the barbaric yet lovable pugilist who captured our hearts in 1976, then stole our money for the next 20 years with a series of formulaic sequels. Only the first Rocky was really compelling, with heartfelt performances from the entire cast. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we need another Rocky movie like Tony Robbins needs another tooth.
Stallone’s continuing need to milk this franchise eerily mirrors Rocky’s need to keep boxing – only the audience is the punch drunk boxer at the end of each film/fight.
Does this set a good example for the kiddies, by the way? In the first film, Rocky’s will and ability to take a blow were courageous and heart wrenching. Now, it’s dangerous – Rocky can barely form sentences. Yet that stupidity is glorified in this series. We don’t need more Rocky films to show us what happens to a boxer who hangs on WAY too long – we have Evander Holyfield in real life.
Back to the film, which is unintentionally depressing. Almost the entire cast is back, except for Talia Shire (Adrian) who, in a shrewd career move, opted to star in the Geico caveman commercials instead. Pauly (Burt Young) is back, as drunk and grumpy as ever. Oh, and he’s still about as supportive as a rickety workbench. Any normal person would have dropped this bum as a friend after about 5 minutes.
Rocky is drawn into fighting Mason “The Line” Dixon, the reigning heavyweight champion. I don’t need to tell you how the movie ends – it’s not important. What’s important is that the movie DOES end. Unfortunately, we’re not saved by the bell.
Cut me, Mick.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - Review
Aaargh! Are You Confused Yet??Monkey Rating: 1 Opposable Thumb Up (out of 5)
At World’s End is the first movie in history without any editing. At least that’s the conclusion one must reach with all of the fat in this steak. The cutting room floor must be spotless at Disney because it doesn’t seem like they left anything out of this film.
The movie could have had an hour of footage removed without harming the story, which is still difficult to describe even after 3 hours plot “movement”. Elizabeth (Keira Knightley, who has great dental work and mascara for a pirate), along with Captain Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush) and Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) are out to find Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) so they can get him to the pirate council, which has convened to defend themselves against the East India Trading Company, which is trying to execute all pirates, and to that end enlists the Flying Dutchman (a ship full of dead pirates) to help. In order to get Sparrow, they need to get the maps to World’s End, which are possessed by Sao Feng, another pirate. Will strikes a bargain with Feng for the Black Pearl (Sparrow’s ship) in exchange for Sparrow, who Feng wants to barter to Beckett. Meanwhile, Will is trying to kill the heart of the captain of the Flying Dutchman so he can revive his dead father (Stellan Skaarsgard), whose body and soul is captured on the Dutchman. Captain Barbosa wants the Black Pearl for himself. There are also 8 other pirate crews and ships, Keith Richards, and a psycho sea goddess named Calypso.
Did you get all that? Neither did I. The plot is ridiculously convoluted, with 80% of it being completely unnecessary. I still don’t know exactly what happened, but my $10 is in the cash register, so I’m left to try to make sense of it. I think I’ll cut my losses and solve a Rubik’s Cube instead.
The action sequences are well shot and choreographed, if too long. It’s generally clear what’s happening during these shots, if for no other reason than you have more then enough time to figure it out.
The acting is decent, but these performers are bogged down by the confusing script. Depp once again leads the way, but Rush is also strong as Captain Barbosa.
Once the climax occurs, there is another 20 minutes of unnecessary footage, along with a rather pointless “bonus” scene after the credits have rolled – which, by the way, takes a good 20 minutes. Is there anyone who didn’t work on this film? I think I even saw my own name on there.
It’s not all bad. There are a couple of great parts, namely the “ship flipping” sequence and an inspired psychedelic scene at World’s End featuring Depp and some helpful crabs.
But those scenes alone simply aren’t worth your time or money. The biggest pirate of all, Disney, has successfully plundered the pockets of the American Public here. I strongly suggest you sail wide of this mess.
Netflix Review: Smokin' Aces is an action movie Cock-Block
Netflix rating: 107, and wait until you've drunk enough to pass out before the end
On one hand, it's easy to see what Smokin' Aces is supposed to be- a fun, uber-violent rollercoaster ride -slash- Ocean's 11 A-list insider party. The plot is minimal and gets to the point quickly. Buddy Israel (Jeremy Piven) is a Sinatra-esque Vegas showman turned mafia golden boy, who suddenly finds a himself hunted by the FBI, bounty hunters, and a collection of bizarro hitmen, all after the $1 million bounty on his head. Meanwhile, Israel is holed up in the penthouse of a Lake Tahoe Casino/Hotel, and all these characters converge on his hideout at the same time, natch.
What follows is pure carnage along the lines of the finale of Tarantino's True Romance--we're talking a lot of big guns going off at close range. Alicia Keys dresses like a whore. A dude falls on his own chainsaw. So far, so good, right? It's not like you strolled into this film expecting a Reece Witherspoon rom-com. So what's the problem?
Well, there are two, actually.
The first problem here is that the Ocean's 11 franchise was the ultimate A-list party: Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Catherine Zeta Jones, Al Pacino and oscar-winning director Steven Soderberg. Watching those films was like that one time you got to hang out with the coolest kids in high school- you got an inside peek at a life you'll never live. Smokin' Aces? Well, um, they've got Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds, and Ben Affleck. They're directed by Joe Carnahan- ring a bell? Yeah, me neither. But apparently he did Narc, which obviously did wonders for Jason Patric's career.
Jesus, they couldn't even match Ocean's Vegas setting- they're slumming in freakin' Lake Tahoe. That's pretty dirtball, if you ask me. Look, those actors aren't bad, but they sure as hell aren't Damon, Pitt and Clooney, are they? This is the other party in high school- you know, the one thrown by the kids who weren't invited to the good one? And in many ways it's about as fun--sure there's action and noise, but ultimately you end up wondering what's going on in the theater next door.
You have to give credit to Piven's commitment--the guy's entire job is basically to act like a drugged-out magician. And since acting like you've snorted too much coke is hardly a stretch for anyone in Hollywood, Piven focused on the magician part. He clearly devoted a lot of time learning to actually do card tricks in preparation for the role, and he pulls off some impressive stuff that's clearly not digital effects. That's a helluva commitment to character considering that he's essentially just the McGuffin, and everyone's just waiting to see him get whacked anyway.
There IS some talent in this movie besides Piven--Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, and the underrated Jason Bateman. But instead, Ryan Reynolds becomes the star and main attraction here as the loyal cop. Really? Ryan Reynolds is the best we get? Come on. At least Affleck gets whacked early. Shave that stupid goatee, Ben.
But the REAL problem here isn't that you're stuck at the uncool kids party, or that Ryan Reynolds is your leading man. The real problem is that right at the end, this movie turns from a hardcore, kick-ass action film to a wannabe police drama about a cop who's just lost his partner and best friend, and is not going to just stand by and do nothing about it, dammit. Except fight, apparently. That's right- in the middle of a HITMAN movie he puts down his gun and just says NO MAS.
This is an action movie cock-block of the worst order. You came here for kickass action, and after an hour and a half of foreplay, you expect a freakin' bloody payoff. I'm sorry, but the loyal cop doing the right thing- that's just not what I paid for, bitch. I want the money shot. I want the Reservoir Dogs showdown.
You don't get it.
Instead you get a surprise 'twist' ending, which frankly feels like they slapped it on because they ran out of blanks and bullet squibs.
Look, I actually enjoyed most of this movie- it starts fast and has some scenes that will have you gripping with anticipation. I think it is worth eventually checking out if you are in the mood for some violent action. But I think I would have liked it more if I had never seen the ending, and just assumed there was a big payoff. Instead, it gets you all worked up and leaves you at the doorstep with blue balls, just like your first girlfriend.
There are just two things I can't figure out-
What is Andy Garcia doing playing grab-ass in Smokin' Aces when he's already in with the Ocean's crowd, and how the fuck did Ryan Reynolds make it to movie stardom from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place?
Friday, May 25, 2007
Star Wars Technology and Mythology Explored
I don't recall the buddha crackin skulls
and cuttin' shit up with a light saber...
The History Channel is going to run a pretty interesting show called Star Wars: The Legacy Revealed, which will explore the mythology of Star Wars as well as the origins of various characters and plotlines from classic literature, Greek mythology, even the Bible and various religions.
Check out a sample of the lineup of interviewees on this show:
JJ Abrams
Peter Jackson
Kevin Smith
Joss Whedon
Stephen Colbert
That's an impressive list. The show goes deeper, exploring classic archetypes of myth-
Hero (Luke Skywalker)
Sage (Yoda/Obi-Wan)
Comedians (R2-D2/C-3PO)
Shadow (Darth Vader/Darth Maul)
The show is on Memorial day at
Personally, I think the mythology one could be cool, but the tech one sounds a little too trekkie for my tastes. But hey, if you're still living in your parent's basement with no girlfriend, then enjoy, my friend.
Memorial Day Lineup
Star Wars Tech
Star Wars: The Legacy Revealed
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Pirates 3 just might suck
...What started out as a fleet one-off swashbuckler with novel
supernatural elements has become loaded and graceless, with each new entry
barreling across the goal line like William "The Refrigerator" Perry...
...It's an even more tedious storytelling mess, with a plot so muddled
it's impossible to accurately describe, generating zero interest in its
characters and grinding on for nearly three endless hours......It's not a total shipwreck, but abandon hope all ye seeking a coherent, much less satisfying, narrative...
Star Wars Convention Coming to Los Angeles
Stop Drooling, Ladies!Star Wars Fan Convention - Los Angeles Convention Center
Well, look what’s happening this weekend at the Los Angeles Convention Center? It’s the “Star Wars Celebration IV”, what “should be the biggest Star Wars fan convention of all time,” according to the Los Angeles Times.
You might know this event by another name: The VIRGIN Convention. If you have a Chewbacca costume in your closet, now is the time to use it. If you’ve always looked for an occasion on which to wear your Storm Trooper suit, this is it. This weekend, you don’t have to worry about being ridiculed for never having kissed a girl; everyone is in the same Millennium Falcon.
Perhaps this is the Los Angeles Convention Center’s attempt at balancing the sexual cosmos of the convention world. You see, Adultcon, the porn convention, was held in the same hall in March. And we know that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IS GETTING LAID at the Star Wars Convention. Together, they make the Convention Center’s sexual energy average.
No word on whether there will be a George Lucas Dialogue Writing Workshop at the Convention. We definitely need more writers who can pen bland, cheesy, cliché, monosyllabic love scenes in the middle of a SPACE MOVIE.
May the lube be with you.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Netflix Gem - Team America: World Police (2004)
Guard Your Landmarks: Here Comes Team AmericaSuggested Netflix Queue Position: 3
Generally, people either love Trey Parker and Matt Stone or they hate them. Parker and Stone, the creators of South Park, are not shy when it comes to voicing their opinions. But no one can argue that these are two talented satirists.
In their first movie (outside of South Park), Team America: World Police, their skills are on full display. This is some of the best satire to come out of Hollywood in a long time. It also contains some unnecessarily grotesque scenes – more on that later.
Using a cast comprised entirely of puppets, Stone and Parker’s Team America is about a quasi-militaristic outfit that takes the job of policing the world entirely on their shoulders – with hilarious results. It’s not clear if they’re commissioned by any sort of government body, and it doesn’t need to be.
That America thinks of itself as the world’s police force is not a new concept. The Monroe Doctrine took care of that (don’t worry, this isn’t a 19th century foreign policy review). But never has America’s lack of regard for collateral damage been so accurately captured in satire. To wit: the team’s logo depicts a giant eagle with a globe in its beak.
Beginning with a great scene in Paris where the squad disarms terrorists carrying “weapons of mass destruction,” Team America embarks on an uproarious journey of destruction of cultural landmarks, customs and ideology – all in the name of “freedom.”
After having lost a team member in the Paris raid, Spottswoode, the ridiculously misguided boss, recruits a new member: Gary Johnston, a “top gun actor” who “majored in world languages.” That makes him a “double threat.”
Not only do Parker and Stone satirize conservative foreign policy, they also manage to successfully harpoon the left wing: actors (hey, there’s a reason they’re using puppets). Acting is terrifically blown up to be more important than it is: a weapon against terrorism on equal par with any gun or combat skill. If you’ve ever met an actor, then you’ll immediately relate to the spoof.
Unfortunately, there are several scenes of gross bodily function humor, a staple of the South Park series. But with a movie this well written, that’s nitpicking.
Throw in a few hysterical songs throughout the film, and this is one funny adventure.
Move this up your Netflix queue – and fast.
Co-Editor Response:
Dude, you CAN NOT talk about a Trey Parker and Matt Stone movie and not get your hands dirty. I can’t believe you could write an entire review and not discuss the most controversial aspect of the film. This is the equivalent of telling your buddies about your latest hookup and neglecting to mention her Crying Game surprise–it changes the entire context of the story, man.
In this case, the neglected point is the sex scene. For those living in a cave who haven’t already heard about this, I’m talking about a puppet sex scene so hardcore that the MPAA was going to deliver an NC-17 rating–despite the fact that the puppets have absolutely no genitalia. Yes, it’s that hardcore. More so than you can even imagine. The rest of the movie features graphic violence against puppets in all sort of ways that should really concern parents, but it was a BLOWJOB on a freakin ken doll that was going to push the movie into a NC-17 rating.
Parker and Stone accomplished several things with that deleted scene- they exposed the hipocrasy of the MPAA, took puppetry to a new low, and forced mainstream movie critics across the country to find creative ways to say ‘golden shower’.
Lucky you, the deleted scene is on the DVD. Don’t pretend you aren’t going to watch it.
-Foley.
Shrek 3 Review - Opening Weekend
Hey Shrek, how about more of Puss N' Boots?Shrek 3
Monkey Score: 2 Opposable Thumbs Up (out of 5)
The first two installments of the Shrek series were quite good films. The original, Shrek, introduced us to the cranky ogre with a good heart and his obnoxious, loveable sidekick, Donkey, in a classic fairy tale. The second, Shrek 2, improved upon the first, with even more of the smart pop culture references and sharp writing we saw in the first movie. Whether you liked the first or second film better, however, the two movies unquestionably wove in adult references into a kid package (the animation). That was the appeal.
This is where Shrek 3 falls short. Like George Lucas sold out with the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi, Shrek 3 seems a cheap attempt at a clearance sale of Shrek action figures. All that was missing was a McDonald’s cash register at the theater door.
In the latest installment, the big green dude is unwittingly thrust into the role of King of Far, Far Away because his father-in-law is gravely ill. Sure enough, the old man croaks (no pun intended), and Shrek is next in line to rule the kingdom. There’s only one problem: Shrek doesn’t want to be king. There is, however, another possible heir: Arthur. Shrek and his gang go off in search of Arthur, in a desperate attempt to avoid the throne. Complicating the journey is the fact that Fiona has become pregnant, causing Shrek to worry about the prospect of fatherhood.
What follows is an only occasionally funny romp, what seems more like a formulaic musical than the sharp satire we’ve come to expect from Mike Meyers and Co. In a telling sign, there were more kids than adults laughing in the theater.
Another disappointment is the reduced role of Puss N’ Boots, the cheesy, suave feline who stole the show in Shrek 2. We don’t get many good one liners from the tabby this time around. Donkey is, well, Donkey. He does a good job, but also seems like more of a background player this time. One funny twist: an old magician casts a spell with a “side effect” of switching Donkey and Puss N’ Boots. It’s one of the film’s comic successes.
Attention span disclaimer: I do need to be fair here. I saw this movie with a really hot chick. Though I felt like I had my wits about me, it’s somewhat possible that I was distracted by thinking about the moves I was going to put on her. Don’t hold it against me: you would have done the same thing. What was I going to say? “Get your hand out of my lap, I need to write a review.”
Bottom line: unless you have kids, or Happy Meals are a staple of your diet, I’d skip Shrek 3.
Top 10 Heroes Comments Not Quite Heard in the Season Finale
No Thanks, I'm Full.Top 10 Heroes Comments Not Quite Heard in the Season Finale
If you rewind your Tivo, you just might be able to hear these comments made by various heroes in the Season Finale:
1. Peter - “Does anyone have any oven mitts? My hands hurt.”
2. Dr. Suresh - “Kill Sylar? You need either a sword or a wall map.”
3. Cheerleader - “Can I ever be anorexic? Or would I just go back to a healthy weight?”
4. Sylar - “How can I still be losing to these people?”
5. DL – “Honey, you’re a split personality? So does this count as a threesome?”
6. Hiro - “Hey Ando, why don’t you enroll in my Dad’s 15 minute Samurai Training Program?”
7. Parkman - “If you could read my mind, you’d know I’m a pussy.”
8. Molly - “Just call me Hero LoJack.”
9. Nikki - “I swear, Officer, he’s a good man! Please don’t arrest him!”
10. Nathan - “My power isn’t flying…it’s ruining a season finale.”
At least that’s what I thought I heard…
Heroes Final Episode - Review
Heroes - Final Episode, Season 1
Monkey Rating: 3 Opposable Thumbs Up (out of 5)
That disclaimer out of the way…the finale was a disappointment. There was so much potential here. So let’s review the good and the bad:
SPOILERS AHEAD
The Good
* Sylar was his usual kickass self. No mama’s boy in this episode. He was cocky and evil. Bravo.
* Mr. Bennett also hit his typical high notes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he’s the best character on the show, mutant or not.
* Simone’s Dad was an interesting character. He’s able to see into multiple points in time. Hopefully they’ll explore that in Season 2.
* Molly, the “tracking machine”, made reference to one mutant she doesn’t want to locate - because he can see her back. That sounds awesome! That’s another season 2 plotline that I’m looking forward to.
* In the final battle Hiro, as he’s being chucked by Sylar, teleports while he’s flying. That was fun to watch.
The Bad
* The final battle was a major disappointment. Peter and Sylar are battling it out in the plaza. I’m thinking, “This is gonna be cool.” Sylar strikes first blood, then the psycho bitch comes over hits Sylar with the parking meter. WTF?? Then, it gets worse. Peter, with all of his powers to choose from, decides to use…his fists?? No invisibility, no flying, no hot hands, no telekenesis. No, he just starts punching Sylar, who doesn’t use his powers, either. What is this, “Every Which Way But Loose”? YOU’RE FREAKING SUPERHEROES. What, did the special effects geek make a Taco Bell run while they worked on this scene?
* Nathan comes to save Peter - and the world - by grabbing him and flying away. They exchange “I love you’s” before he flies away with him. Awww, that’s nice…if we were watching Georgia Rule. This is a superhero show, not a group therapy session.
* “The future is not written in stone,” said Claire. That’s profound. I know she’s a 16 year old girl, but come on. The writers couldn’t come up with something better than that? Not only is it a shallow comment, it’s been used in the Terminator movies and probably somewhere before that. Why didn’t they just go with, “The future is later, dude.”
* DL, the wall walker, didn’t die. What a disappointment. I wish he could walk through the wall of the TV studio and out of the show forever. Wouldn’t that be cool?
* Did anyone else catch the little spark of chemistry between Molly (the “tracking machine”) and Micah (the 8 year old DeVry graduate)? She says the elevator doesn’t work, but he just puts his little mitt on the button and summons the car. She gives him a little smile. Whatever. That was completely unnecessary, but I’m nitpicking.
* Hiro denies his responsibility to save the world so he can go save his friend, while his father urges him not to. Why didn’t they just shoot the scene in Yoda’s swamp? Come on - everyone knows Luke left the Jedi training to go save his friends at Lando’s sky pad.
* NOT ENOUGH CANDICE THE SHAPESHIFTER. I can’t overstate that. She’s the hottest girl on the show - if you got it, flaunt it!
* WAY too much of Nikki/Jessica. Once again, a psycho bitch is not a hero. She doesn’t need to learn to control her powers - she needs a restraining order. It won’t be long before she’s chucking DL’s belongings out on the front lawn and letting air out of his tires while he’s at work.
So, Heroes is done for the season. I’ll be writing a Season 1 Review shortly, including highs, lows, and what I think should happen in Season 2. So stay tuned.
Netflix Review: The Guardian (2006)
Drop and Give me an Average Movie!It’s a natural human reflex to want to make up for a big mistake. It eats away at us until we somehow compensate for the pain our mistake caused.
Take the case of Kevin Costner, who’s trying to make up for 6 years of Hollywood mistakes. I’m talking about 1995 to 2001, when Costner subjected the American public (and the world, for that matter) to group of films that can best be described as cinematic kidney stones. We all passed them, but we’ll never forget them. Remember Waterworld, The Postman, Tin Cup, Message in a Bottle, For Love of the Game, Thirteen Days and 3000 Miles to Graceland?
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you with that opening paragraph. I didn’t mean to reopen old wounds. I’m just trying to provide context to Costner’s latest attempt at atonement: The Guardian.
Costner plays Ben Randall, a legendary Coast Guard rescue swimmer whose numerous records in the Coast Guard's “A” school are surpassed only by his distinguished, heroic career. After a rescue incident, Randall is assigned to teach said “A” school.
Enrolling in the school is Jake Fischer (Ashton Kutcher), a hotshot, state champion swimmer. Fischer is talented and cocky. Gee, you think he’s going to learn a life lesson and grow up?
There isn’t much more to the plot. Randall has his own issues, including a failing marriage due to – guess what? – his commitment to the job.
This film can best be described as “average.” It certainly isn’t sufficient penance for Costner's 6 year assault on our sensibilities, but it also is a much better effort than any of those films. This is mostly because Costner, for reasons probably having to do with box office receipts and endless public and critical ridicule, seemingly no longer sees himself as a world savior or sports hero. That helps when you’re trying to relate to the public.
The Guardian is more predictable than an IRS deadline, which is why it receives a low queue position. But there are decent qualities to it. Costner’s acceptable performance as the conflicted Randall carries the film. He doesn’t see himself as too big for the screen, and seems to stay within himself. Kutcher, not much of an actor in his own right, is tolerable as the cocky upstart Fischer. The women in the film aren’t exactly carrying the banner for women’s rights. They’re the helpless wives/girlfriends you’d typically find in a movie like this.
The action sequences are fairly well shot: it’s easy to see what’s going on at all times, and they do build drama. The dialogue isn’t going to win any Oscars, but it’s serviceable.
If this review seems lukewarm, that’s because it is. When considering Costner films these days, one can’t avoid the considerable context that follows him. I suppose that will do him favors from here on out, but in fact he has paid for that – and then some. Unfortunately, so have we.
Ocean's 13 has a new video feature
“It’s not any worse than the others.” - Brad Pitt
Apple’s got a fun little clip on the making of Ocean’s 13. It’s really part trailer, part making of, part teaser for the film, but I enjoyed it. Of course, I’m not the most unbiased of opinions here, given the subject matter. But I think it’s safe to say it will be better than 12, and in my book that makes it better than 90% of the crap that will come out this summer. And how can you argue with Brad Pitt’s ringing endorsement?
Anyway, the video gives a little more details into the plot (no spoilers). One question- how does Ellen Barkin look so good? Isn’t she like, 80? Check the video out here.
Thanks to film ick for discovering it.
Damn, Transformers might actually be GOOD
I have been mocking this Transformers movie ever since it was rumored, and laughing even harder once Michael “Pearl Harbor” Bay got involved. The thousands of squealing fanboys wetting their pants over this movie doesn’t help. I was never a transformers fan as a kid, and I have no idea what the “purists” will think of this movie– nor do I care. And I am HIGHLY skeptical of any movie based on a toy.
On top of all that, lately I’ve been feeling like we’ve pretty much seen everything with special effects these days. There just doesn’t seem to be anything really new or innovative, and so the days for me are gone when I will go see a movie just because of the FX.
But this new trailer… I have to say, it’s pretty fucking GOOD, man. I am impressed by both the action and the special effects. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I just might see this film.
Check it out at yahoo in HD
Netflix Gem: the Painted Veil
How did this movie slip past us?
It was out last december and received largely positive reviews, yet I have no recollection of it at all. Anyway, this gorgeous film based on the book by W. Somerset Maugham stars Ed Norton, Naomi Watts, and Liev Shreiber.
The movie weaves an unconventional love story against the backdrop of a cholera epidemic in 1920’s China. The cinematography is breathtaking, the acting is excellent (particularly Edward Norton), and the soundtrack is superb- in fact it won a Golden Globe. But let me be clear that although this is a romance, there is enough going on involving the exoticism of China and the drama of the cholera epidemic to satisfy the man who normally steers clear of anything he thinks might be a chick flick.
What is most surprising about this film is perhaps that it was directed by relatively unknown John Curren, who’s only other notable film was 2004’s We don’t live here anymore. I think we can expect to see Curran doing more high profile films in the near future.
Don’t let this one sneak past you again.
6 Rules for Superhero Movies
More villains = lame villains
With the arrival of Spiderman 3, it’s clear that even talented directors like Sam Raimi are still making the same mistakes. So if you’re making/writing a superhero flick, keep these guidelines in mind.
1. If you have more than one main villain, your story sucks.
If your main villain isn’t scary enough, make him scarier! Don’t add other half-assed villains, hoping that will do the trick. Examples: think of the later Batman movie teamups: Two-Face and the Riddler, Poison Ivy and Dr. Freeze - none of them anywhere near as cool as the Joker. Spiderman does the same thing: Doc Ock was frickin’ awesome, but the trio of Goblin Jr./Sandman/Venom? Please - Mary Jane was nastier than all three of them. Even X-Men, which had a lot of bad guys, only had one main villain: Magneto.
2. The coolest scene in any origin flick is the superhero discovering his/her new powers.
Think of Clark Kent jumping higher and higher, Peter Parker trying to figure out his web shooters, and hell, even Jack Nicholson in Wolf (otherwise a crappy movie) where his newly-acquired werewolfness gives his human self new strength and confidence. I hear this was a problem in Catwoman (which looked so bad I skipped it) - she went from shrinking violet to slinky leatherbabe without any transition.
3. The hero enjoys his/her powers.
This seems obvious, but look at Superman Returns, where the Man of Steel spends most of the time moping. Dude! You can FLY!
4. The hero has a tragic/outcast background.
Think about it: if you were suddenly given superhero powers, would you
a) not tell anyone
b) put on a costume and
c) put yourself in real danger on a regular basis for no reward?
Of course you wouldn’t. You’d let everyone know. You’d be on Oprah. You’d be on a Wheaties box. You’d be rich! You’d be invited to all the best parties and you would go to them. There has to be something pretty messed up in your background to want to be a vigilante. This is why Batman is more interesting than Superman. The best superheroes have to be a little crazy.
5. Don’t try to explain the unexplainable.
For example, I don’t need a long thing about how David Banner’s dad used jellyfish DNA and nanobots and experimented on his son, and that’s why the Hulk is green. All I need to know is: the dude got hit with gamma radiation, and turned into the Hulk. Ta da. I know that would never happen in real life, but I don’t care - I’m not watching a movie for real life. I don’t care how Superman can fly (which muscle does he use, exactly, to go faster? What does he clench?). Most superheroes are essentially magical creatures, and that’s fine. Accept it and move on to the story.
6. Trust the source material, and you get Sin City and 300.
Ignore the source material and get League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Heroes sucks like a 2 dollar whore
Why the fuck does Heroes have to kick me off the bandwagon every time I get on? I’m TRYING to like this show, I really am. I was ready to bail after a marginal season despite glimpses of untapped potential, but they finally got me with the last couple episodes. FINALLY they focused the show, forgot about many of the worthless characters, and got down to the core characters and the meat of the story. I was officially on board.
And then Monday night they pimp-slapped me with the same ol crap. (SPOILERS AHEAD, but trust me you’re better off if I just ruin it for you)
I’m talking about episode 21 “The Hard Part”. Hiro and Ando have just jumped back from 5 years in the future. They are two days away from the bomb exploding, and have a chance to save New York. Meanwhile, Sylar is channeling Nostradamus and paints himself blowing up NYC.
This is where they twist the knife. Sylar discovers that he’s going to kill more people, and suddenly…. he’s repentant. So natch, he calls up his buddy Mohinder- you know, the guy he had pinned to the ceiling and was torturing two episodes ago.
‘Hey Mohinder, I know I’ve been killing innocent people and shit, but I’m really concerned about killing that many innocent people. That just ain’t right. Can you help a brotha out?’
WTF? Are you freakin kidding me here? Sylar has Mohinder on speed dial and asks for a hand? Obviously Mohinder tells him to go blow a goat.
Back to Hiro and Ando- they find Sylar, and Ando is fired up. OMG it’s your big chance!!! Dude, you have to kill Sylar!
And Hiro say, ‘ but I’m not supposed to kill him for a couple days.’ Huh?
Ando points out that Sylar is going to dismember him tomorrow, so Hiro might want to get off his ass if he still wants a best friend to hang out with next weekend. But Hiro’s got yet another excuse- he can’t kill Sylar while he’s asking for forgiveness.
Let me get this straight- Hiro has spent the entire show bragging that he will save New York, spent about 10 episodes looking for a samurai sword (you know, for killing people and shit), has already seen the future if he doesn’t get it done, knows that Sylar is going to kill his best friend soon, and HAS THE ABILITY TO FREEZE TIME FOR THE EASIEST KILL OF ALL TIME.
What the hell is he waiting for?
So finally Hiro makes his move, freezes Sylar, unsheathes his sword, and… wets his pants. He’s got the blade to Sylar’s head and can’t make the kill. Big spoiler here- Sylar gets away.
We know Sylar isn’t going to die, so why even have this episode?
Hiro’s a goddamn pussy. Fuck this show.
The Joker Revealed, and more Dark Knight News
In other strange news, The Daily News has an article revealing that Anthony Michael Hall has a fairly large role in the Batman sequel. I just hope they aren’t breaking Moxon’s first rule of superhero movies…
Are you fu*king kidding me?? Heath Ledger looks like he should be trick or treating, not terrorizing Gotham. Would you like a Twix or an O’Henry?
This is going to be yet another sad attempt at a villain in the Batman series. Scarecrow was only a decent villain – and yet by far the best in the series. What does that say? Look, until Batman gets a truly scary villain to challenge him, he won’t be a true superhero (I’m talking about the movies, not the comics – take it easy, fanboys).
On the other hand, perhaps this incarnation of the Joker is apropos. Since this Joker looks like a ridiculously cheap attempt at villainy, he could be the perfect foil to Batman’s main power: wealth. Have you ever thought about that? Yeah, Batman can fight. Yes, he has cool tools on his utility belt. But isn’t it his wealth that makes it all possible? I’d like to see a Batman on welfare, swinging on some frayed yarn.
If Gotham really wants to rid itself of villainy, they should just form a branch of OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration). It seems like these criminals are just unlucky victims of industrial accidents. Imagine if these guys had just watched a safety video on their first day on the job.
If Ledger ends up looking like this in the film, I’m out.
UPDATE
Rumor is that the first Dark Knight trailer may appear in December…
Netflix Review: The Final Cut
But don’t blame Hollywood–sure they are partly to blame, but they are merely reacting to the public demand. They are, after all ultimately in the business of making money, not movies. And these days it is the 14 year old boy that wields power at the box office. The result? Endless movies based on video games, and sequels of excellent R-rated movies like Die Hard get watered down to a tame PG-13 to get the kids money.
This current state of affairs is exactly why it is even more disappointing when a movie finally comes along with a truly interesting premise, only to be executed poorly, leaving the viewer only with a sense of what a great movie might have been made. In this case, I’m talking about the Robin Williams’ sci-fi film, The Final Cut.
The movie is based on the concept that people can have memory recorders (called Zoe implants) implanted into their children’s heads before birth, so that everything they see and hear is recorded. After that person dies, these memories are downloaded and serve as lasting memories for the loved ones he or she has left behind. But the implant isn’t cheap, so we largely see wealthy people having the implants. Williams plays Alan Hakman, a ‘cutter’–someone who edits a deceased person’s entire life of memories into a short, beautiful highlight reel of that person’s life. It’s Sportscenter for rich people who can’t dunk.
This means he edits out everything nobody wants to see or be remembered for–eating your boogers in kindergarten, being a bully in 7th grade, throwing up on that cute girl at that fraternity party, that time you slept with a hermaphrodite, farting in the elevator, cheating on your wife with her mom, molesting the neighbor’s dog–you get the idea. Hakman views himself as a ’sin eater’–one who absorbs another’s sins, cleansing them of their own and preserving the fond memories of the good things about the deceased.
But other groups protest the use of Zoe Implants- they feel that people can not live their lively freely if they know everything is being recorded. They also feel that the editing of the deceased’s crimes is a form of rewriting history, allowing wicked people to get away with their crimes. When one of the high level executives of the implant company dies, they try to get the memories from Hakman, through whatever means necessary. Their plan is to review the memories for incriminating evidence about the executive and the company.
This voyeuristic concept of tapping into and recording someone else’s experiences isn’t entirely new- the idea has been touched on other sci-fi movies like Strange Days and Minority Report (off the top of my head), and there are so many great ideas to be explored here, particularly in a time when the Patriot Act pushes the boundaries of personal freedom in the name of protection, and any person with a cellphone can post an incriminating video to Youtube. Who owns these memories? Could the government confiscate them? What if the cutter abuses the information he learns while editing the memories? What about the secrets of the living that are revealed by the deceased memories? The rights to privacy boundaries are completely obliterated.
This movie is so good for about 3/4 of the film. Unfortunately, with all this fertile ground to explore, The Final Cut feels like it ends right where it should be beginning. This movie could have gone in so many exciting directions. Yet after a fascinating setup, it follows the most boring, predictable path possible, and in the shortest route possible. So much is left on the table. For a movie about the craftsmanship of film editors, this one should found a better one.