Would you trade this...
...for this?
OK, so trading National Treasure 2 for Alien vs. Predator 2 is not exactly the most newsworthy development in Hollywood, but I’d like you, the reader, to understand the significant pain that will be bartered here.
Alien vs. Predator 2 for National Treasure 2
A significant trade has gone down here at the Monkey.
As you may or may not already know – and you do if you’ve read about the authors – Foley is a huge fan of the heist film genre, to the point where it’s an obsession. Hell, it’s to the point where he classifies movies as heist films even though they’re not. Movies like Die Hard and Reservoir Dogs, just to name a couple.
So you can imagine my consternation when it was announced there would be a sequel to National Treasure, the terrible 2004 film. I knew that Foley would want to see it, and I knew that no one else would be willing to see it with him.
At the same time, however, I know that I have a penchant for time travel & robot movies, and I have burdened many a (former) friend by asking them to endure them with me.
So it is with these two obsessions as a backdrop that Foley and I have arranged a trade: I will see National Treasure 2 and, in return, Foley will see Alien vs. Predator 2, which is the closest thing to a robot/time travel movie I could find in 2007.
OK, that’s not exactly the most newsworthy development in Hollywood, but I’d like you, the reader, to understand the significant pain that will be bartered here.
In seeing National Treasure 2, I am getting the short end of the deal. First of all, it stars Nick Coppola, one of the worst actors in Hollywood (Travolta gives him a run for his money). Secondly, the original National Treasure had more holes than a cribbage board. Consider:
* Coppola, who played Benjamin Franklin Gates (I only wish I was making up that character name), travels to the arctic to look for an old shipwreck called the Charlotte. Dude, jumps off a snowmobile, takes a couple of hacks at the ice, rubs it with a rag, and poof! There it is. Not only is the frozen ship lodged 2 feet under the surface of the ice, the name plaque is the part showing.
* Gates steals the Declaration of Independence because there is apparently a map hidden on the back of the document. In order to read the map on the back of it, he decides to douse the ancient paper with LEMON JUICE and then dry it off with a HAIR DRYER. That’s not the worst part. No, the worst part is that he is doing this under the supervision of the museum’s CURATOR.
There’s simply not enough space on this blog to cover the rest of the absurdity spewed out by this movie.
Alien vs. Predator 2 has its own problems, not the least of which is two tarnished legacies. Alien, a groundbreaking film, and Predator, at least a very fun movie, just couldn’t be left alone. Jim Cameron did Aliens (sequel to Alien) justice, but the series went downhill after that. It is in Predator 2, however, that the whole Alien vs. Predator debate arose.
At the end of that movie, a trophy case containing the skulls of various conquests is visible in the background of the Predator’s spaceship. One of the skulls is that of an Alien. This sent a shockwave throughout the geek world, and eventually became the impetus for the whole AVP idea.
AVP was a decent film. The acting and script, not surprisingly, each left something to be desired. But one doesn’t go to see AVP for an Oscar turn. One goes to see two creatures fight, and I must admit that there wasn’t enough fighting. Perhaps that will change this time around.
Just rest assured that each film will be reviewed in detail afterward. Assuming we’re not in therapy.
Foley’s Response:
Before I even TOUCH this discussion- I need to clarify the record of this vicious slander being propagated.
I do not consider Die Hard and Reservoir Dogs to be heist films. They’re not, in the classic sense of the genre. There is no debate here. To suggest that I include them in the same genre as Rififi, Topkapi, and Ocean’s 11 is simply not true.
They do, however, feature heists as the backdrop and McGuffins for both movies, a fact most movie-lovers have completely forgotten when thinking about these movies. In Dogs, though the heist itself is never shown, the whole point of the suspicion within the group is that someone tipped the cops off about their heist. And Die Hard actually features a fully detailed heist plot- the thieves take over an office building masquerading as terrorists, make completely unreasonable demands to stall for time (a technique used in many true heist movies, such as Inside Man), break into the safe, then blow up the top of the building (and the hostages) both as a distraction and to lead authorities to believe that the terrorists died in the blast, and then drive away in an ambulance dressed as EMT’s. It’s really a genius plan.
Genius plan aside, the point of the movie is really about the action and one-liners. We all know that. And the fact that there are heists involved does increase my enjoyment and attraction to these movies. They may not be Heist films in the strictest sense, but they are films which feature heists- much like Mission Impossible was not a heist film, but was better because of the heists. It is for that reason alone that I want to see National Treasure 2- the movie will feature some unusual heists that I will have to see, Nick Cage be damned.
So let’s dispense with those ridiculous barbs cast at me and move on.
As for the trade….
Well, I have to admit that Farrell pretty much hit it on the head. Frankly, I out-negotiated him on this one, as I clearly got the better end of the deal.
Do I WANT to see AVP2? Not really. I absolutely LOVE the first two Alien movies, found things to appreciate about David Fincher’s underrated (yet ultimately disappointing) third, and the series just flat out went into the tank from there, barring perhaps the one scene in Resurrection where the Aliens are swimming. As for Predator- I really enjoyed the first one and found the second to be pretty weak.
A bit of trivia regarding the famous scene in Predator 2 featuring the Alien skull- it is widely believed that that scene spawned the idea of merging the franchises, but in reality Dark Horse Comics actually published an Alien vs Predator comic a full year before Predator 2 was released. Still, that scene is probably what brought the concept to the majority of sci-fi fans. I digress.
Back to the deal-
My point is that I’d love to see this franchise combo, if it was done well. But the first one got trashed by reviewers, worked with a low budget, spent no time on script, and we’ve all seen what has happened to the Aliens franchise when done poorly. Please don’t pretend you think the first AVP was worthy of these franchises. Come on, it was directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, creator of gems like Mortal Combat, Resident Evil, and Event Horizon. Are you telling me you don't think AVP could have been so much better?
AVP2? Yet another no-name, no-talent cast, and directed by not one, but TWO first time directors who were previously special effects guys. What does it say when a film needs 2 directors? It’s pretty fair to assume the entire budget is going to FX, but at the expense of any kind of cool script or talent. So what we are going to get is some good effects in extremely lame scenes. By the way, how big of a budget do you think these 2 first-time directors are going to get to work with? I promise it's not nearly as much as a movie like this needs to really do great FX...
Oh by the way- this time the Predators will be fighting Aliens in a small town in the Midwest. The franchise is being fundamentally transformed from sci-fi to horror. That’s not my opinion- AVP2 art director Andrew Li says himself- “It’s a horror movie”.
Um yeah, great call. Let’s take the science fiction out of the Sci-Fi movie. Everyone loves science fiction movies set in the FRIGGIN MIDWEST.
Face it- AVP2 is destined for disaster.
And still, I’m probably getting the better end of the deal. I’m the first to admit- wanting to see National Treasure 2 is indefensible. It doesn’t even qualify as a heist movie, but it features enough heist-moments and conspiracy theories to hook me anyway. There’s no pride in that last statement, believe me. And I share Farrell's hatred of Nick Cage, which doesn't help the situation.
On the other hand, I almost had to see Fantastic Four 2 to get this trade through. THAT would have been a deal from hell.
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