Netflix Review: Smokin' Aces is an action movie Cock-Block

Netflix rating: 107, and wait until you've drunk enough to pass out before the end

On one hand, it's easy to see what Smokin' Aces is supposed to be- a fun, uber-violent rollercoaster ride -slash- Ocean's 11 A-list insider party. The plot is minimal and gets to the point quickly. Buddy Israel (Jeremy Piven) is a Sinatra-esque Vegas showman turned mafia golden boy, who suddenly finds a himself hunted by the FBI, bounty hunters, and a collection of bizarro hitmen, all after the $1 million bounty on his head. Meanwhile, Israel is holed up in the penthouse of a Lake Tahoe Casino/Hotel, and all these characters converge on his hideout at the same time, natch.

What follows is pure carnage along the lines of the finale of Tarantino's True Romance--we're talking a lot of big guns going off at close range. Alicia Keys dresses like a whore. A dude falls on his own chainsaw. So far, so good, right? It's not like you strolled into this film expecting a Reece Witherspoon rom-com. So what's the problem?

Well, there are two, actually.

The first problem here is that the Ocean's 11 franchise was the ultimate A-list party: Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Catherine Zeta Jones, Al Pacino and oscar-winning director Steven Soderberg. Watching those films was like that one time you got to hang out with the coolest kids in high school- you got an inside peek at a life you'll never live. Smokin' Aces? Well, um, they've got Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds, and Ben Affleck. They're directed by Joe Carnahan- ring a bell? Yeah, me neither. But apparently he did Narc, which obviously did wonders for Jason Patric's career.

Jesus, they couldn't even match Ocean's Vegas setting- they're slumming in freakin' Lake Tahoe. That's pretty dirtball, if you ask me. Look, those actors aren't bad, but they sure as hell aren't Damon, Pitt and Clooney, are they? This is the other party in high school- you know, the one thrown by the kids who weren't invited to the good one? And in many ways it's about as fun--sure there's action and noise, but ultimately you end up wondering what's going on in the theater next door.

You have to give credit to Piven's commitment--the guy's entire job is basically to act like a drugged-out magician. And since acting like you've snorted too much coke is hardly a stretch for anyone in Hollywood, Piven focused on the magician part. He clearly devoted a lot of time learning to actually do card tricks in preparation for the role, and he pulls off some impressive stuff that's clearly not digital effects. That's a helluva commitment to character considering that he's essentially just the McGuffin, and everyone's just waiting to see him get whacked anyway.

There IS some talent in this movie besides Piven--Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, and the underrated Jason Bateman. But instead, Ryan Reynolds becomes the star and main attraction here as the loyal cop. Really? Ryan Reynolds is the best we get? Come on. At least Affleck gets whacked early. Shave that stupid goatee, Ben.

But the REAL problem here isn't that you're stuck at the uncool kids party, or that Ryan Reynolds is your leading man. The real problem is that right at the end, this movie turns from a hardcore, kick-ass action film to a wannabe police drama about a cop who's just lost his partner and best friend, and is not going to just stand by and do nothing about it, dammit. Except fight, apparently. That's right- in the middle of a HITMAN movie he puts down his gun and just says NO MAS.

This is an action movie cock-block of the worst order. You came here for kickass action, and after an hour and a half of foreplay, you expect a freakin' bloody payoff. I'm sorry, but the loyal cop doing the right thing- that's just not what I paid for, bitch. I want the money shot. I want the Reservoir Dogs showdown.

You don't get it.

Instead you get a surprise 'twist' ending, which frankly feels like they slapped it on because they ran out of blanks and bullet squibs.

Look, I actually enjoyed most of this movie- it starts fast and has some scenes that will have you gripping with anticipation. I think it is worth eventually checking out if you are in the mood for some violent action. But I think I would have liked it more if I had never seen the ending, and just assumed there was a big payoff. Instead, it gets you all worked up and leaves you at the doorstep with blue balls, just like your first girlfriend.

There are just two things I can't figure out-
What is Andy Garcia doing playing grab-ass in Smokin' Aces when he's already in with the Ocean's crowd, and how the fuck did Ryan Reynolds make it to movie stardom from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place?